Seminar Part 8

I'm going to tell you to "Create the future NOW." In fact, you've already started. All these posts have been about creating a new future. The next step is to replace everything you were doing that did not work with doing exactly the opposite of what you have been doing so far that did not work.

2. REVERSE THE PROCESS
Instead of disagreeing, agree. Instead of talking, listen. Instead of telling them about themselves, start talking about yourself. Acknowledging your spouse's possible assertion that for them this marriage does not work would be a good start. By acknowledging or agreeing to whatever they say – including their opinions about you and your marriage, you validate them. Your spouse's opinion may be right or wrong; it makes no difference. It is true for them and it certainly is at least partially objectively true. Your agreement is about your acknowledging their opinion and the part that is true - and they have every right to have an opinion and feel a certain way whether their thinking is right or wrong; it shows that you listen and acknowledge and validate your spouse as a person. Whenever your spouse says something, do not judge or assess. Just agree and be quiet. There is a lot of "letting go" to do while practicing this second stage. The French say: What you resist it persists. Letting go of having to be right resolves the situation faster and is much less painful. You cannot change what has been said – it's in the past. Now there is an opportunity to create a new future just by acknowledging how your spouse feels and letting go. By agreeing with them you will show them respect and that’s exactly what every person wants.

As you might see, agreeing with your spouse about whatever they do or say does not mean that you are a weak or subservient human being controlled by them. On the contrary, by agreeing with them you will show your respect and your understanding of where they are coming from. In other words, you will exercise the power of listening: just noticing, accepting and acknowledging the way they think. Your spouse cannot but appreciate it. Be sincere and authentic. Ask genuine questions so that you can understand them better when appropriate, without pushing any buttons.

Remember: do not bring up the past.

Especially for women:
For a woman it is often difficult to understand that men are really simple. Women rely mostly on their feelings, while men rely mostly on their five senses. So, they usually say what they mean and you can take their word at face value. No need to go into the whole process of looking for hidden meanings. What he says is what he means and that’s how it is for him. Respect that. Most often, there is no hidden agenda. Often you will have the urge to explain how you feel, how things are for you, or how they should be. Stop and just listen to HIS explanations. If you normally were to share your feelings with him, listen to his feelings for a change, acknowledge them and do not offer your counter arguments. If you used to pressure him into something, ask him what it is that he would like to do and just go along. Stop telling him that you love him. In fact, make him jealous.

I know that this may not be in strict accordance with Christian behavior, but you do not need to commit adultery. Have fun and go out by yourself. Show him that you can have a life outside of him. Show that you do not need him. If you were promising change, acknowledge that in the present situation it is very likely that nothing will change considering that nothing has worked so far and ask him what he wants to do about it. And so on. I hope you get the idea.

To follow this post and the others you will need some courage. Not needing him helps. Men, just like women hate “needy people”.

Gaining power along the way by knowing the distinctions between reality and feelings or, facts and interpretations also helps. Trusting what you've learned in these post is essential. Do not regress to your old strategies, because you are right, they do not work.

As you may notice, you are playing a game. You may also recognize that you do not like playing games. That is exactly where we are heading – the no-game-zone, but for the time being, the fact is - as we said before - that you have already been playing games all along but with a strategy that did not work. What we have to do first is bring the marriage to the level of mutual support and respect by changing the rules of the game where the two of you will be proud of each other. Then, when your marriage is repaired, you can start building on it, go to the next level and make it a phenomenal marriage. But, for the time being, we must continue to play the game. Do not forget to pray for strength, alertness and clear mind to distinguish between reality and your feelings and meanings you give along the way.