Challenge #28

Well, well, well!
I received such a positive response regarding yesterday's challenge that I thought it best to issue a do-over! That's right, we're doing it again today!!! Now for those of you who wore yourself out being eager to do for your spouse, this may seem like bad news. But look at it this way, if you wore yourself out yesterday, there shouldn't be as much work left to do today :-) To all the husbands and wives out there following this blog, taking these challenges - I hope you've begun to see a difference in the countenance of your spouse. And even if you haven't, I'm sure they've noticed the difference in you! Continue working diligently to impove the quality of your marriage. Your spouse should receive your best, whether you feel they deserve it or not - God commands it.

So here it is (again):
I find it much easier to ask for help from someone who is eager to help in the first place. That is our challenge today. Be eager to do for your spouse today. Let's discuss what "eager" means so there is no mistake in what's being said here. Eager means "marked by enthusiastic or impatient desire or interest." So be happy and enthusiastic about doing things for your spouse today - show them that you can't wait to do for them!
Whether it's helping with the laundry, cooking a meal, wrangling the children, opening the door for them, whatever you can think of! I literally mean, whatever you can think of. Let's remember that God loves to see us do good for and to our spouse and that He knows our hearts and the reason why we do what we do.

Happy trails!

Challenge #27

I hope everyone got in some good face-to-face and/or shoulder-to-shoulder time with their spouses this weekend. Finding a new or better way to interact with your spouse should always bring some joy and excitement to your marriage. If you feel you can spend more shoulder-to-shoulder or face-to-face time with your spouse, please do so. One big way that we do shoulder-to-shoulder time around here is home improvement projects. We both love it because it gives us an opportunity to not only improve our home, but to work together in joint effort and see our goals come to fruition. ;-) One way that we do face-to-face time is by putting the children to bed a little earlier on certain nights. Instead of turning the tv on, we just sit and talk and catch up. There doesn't have to be any particular topic; it can be as simple as what's new with you or who have you talked to lately - the point is to narrow the distance and to stay in communication with eachother.

Yesterday I got to thinking about what it is like to rely on someone else when you can't do something on your own. I find it much easier to ask for help from someone who is eager to help in the first place. That is our challenge today. Be eager to do for your spouse today. Let's discuss what "eager" means so there is no mistake in what's being said here. Eager means "marked by enthusiastic or impatient desire or interest." So be happy and enthusiastic about doing things for your spouse today - show them that you can't wait to do for them!

Whether it's helping with the laundry, cooking a meal, wrangling the children, opening the door for them, whatever you can think of! I literally mean, whatever you can think of. Let's remember that God loves to see us do good for and to our spouse and that He knows our hearts and the reason why we do what we do.

"So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:7-8

Show your eagerness to be of service to your spouse today. The daily bible verse for today says: “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;” -Ephesians 4:2 Coincidence? I think not.

Weekend Challenge #2

The other day I read a great article taken from Mark and Grace Driscoll's new book, Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. Here's an excerpt:

Three kinds of marriage
In our teaching and counseling, we have seen people respond well to a simple explanation of three kinds of marriages: back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder, and face-to-face.
A back-to-back marriage is one in which the couple has turned their backs on each other. As a result, they live separately and do not work together (shoulder-to-shoulder) or draw each other out in friendship (face-to-face). In such marriages the partners range from strangers to enemies, but are not friends.
A shoulder-to-shoulder marriage is one in which the couple works together on tasks and projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business, and serving the church.
A face-to-face marriage is one in which, in addition to the shoulder-to-shoulder work, the couple gets a lot of face-to-face time for conversation, friendship, and intimacy.
As a general rule, women have more friendships than men. And their friendships tend to be more face-to-face. This is because men commonly have shoulder-to-shoulder friendships around shared activity. If they take the time to reflect on whom they have considered friends in different seasons of their life, most men recall boys they played with on a sports team and guys they worked with on a job. But they often know very little about these guys they called friends, because their tasks consumed their time and conversation, as they talked about the task in front of them rather than the emotion between them.
Conversely, women's friendships tend to be face-to-face and built around intimate conversation. This explains why women do the sorts of things with other women that men do not do with other men, such as going out to lunch or coffee just to talk, sharing deep intimate feelings while looking each other in the face without a task bringing them together.

A word to husbands and wives
Wives, to be a good friend, learn to spend some time with your husband in shared activity. If he's watching a sporting event, sit down and share it with him. If he's working on a project, hang out nearby to help or at least ask questions and be a companion if nothing else. If he's going fishing, ask if you can come sit in the boat with him just to be in his world. For a wife to build a friendship with her husband requires shoulder-to-shoulder time alongside him.
Husbands, to be a good friend to your wife, learn to have deeper and more intimate conversations. Open up, telling your wife how you're doing and ask­ing her how she is doing. Listen without being distracted by technology or a task (put your cell phone away), but instead focus on her, looking her in the eye for extended periods of time. Draw her out emotionally, and allow her to draw you out emotionally. Keep your advice to a minimum and learn to listen, empathize, comfort, encourage, and in so doing resist the constant male urge to find a problem and try and fix it. No wife likes feeling like a problem to be fixed rather than a person who wants to be intimate. For her, intimacy means “into-me-see," which means she wants to know her husband and be known by him. For a husband to build a friendship with his wife requires him growing in face-to-face skills. Intimacy is ultimately about conversing. As an old proverb says, “The road to the heart is the ear."

This weekend's challenge: Husbands, spend some face-to-face time with your wife; wives, spend some shoulder-to-shoulder time with your husband!

Challenge #26

Even if the task that came to mind was too big to complete yesterday, hopefully you at least put a dent in it to show some progress towards completion! Our spouses need to be able to rely on us - to believe that when we say we are going to do something, we will actually do it. Do not be the kind of spouse that gives lip service to buy time or 'get her/him off your back.' You shouldn't have to "promise" that you will do something to get your spouse (or anyone else for that matter) to believe that you will actually get it done. Remember to "let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay" James 5:12 When you say you will do something, keep your word. This is an essential component to building trust in your marriage.

It's Friday people! This has to be one of the best days of the week! When work is done, the long-awaited weekend begins - and let's not forget it's probably pay day again too :-) Sometimes we have rough weeks - at work or at school or at home. If you and/or your spouse have had a rough week, I urge you: DO NOT let this carry over into the weekend. Most of us have the weekends off and therefore this makes up the vast majority of time that we spend with our spouses. Therefore, start your weekend off right today.

That rough week you had, put it behind you. It's over. There is not one thing we can do to change even one small detail about yesterday. It's gone. Today is a new day and tomorrow will be as well. Today can be different if you allow it to be. It can even be better! And so can tomorrow. But you have to let go of yesterday first. Holding onto yesterday will not help you in any way. I'm sure I've said this before, but it bears repeating: don't ruin today with yesterday's problems. Be sure to make peace with your spouse today and start your weekend off right. There is no shame in being the one to humble yourself to resolve any issue in your marriage, small or large. You don't "lose" when you do this - you win, you and your spouse both do. Jesus Himself said "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Matthew 5:9 I don't see any shame in that!

Our lives are but a vapor, we don't have time to waste.
I will be posting the Weekend Challenge later this evening because I realize that many of you are in different time zones than we are here.

Challenge #25

How did yesterday's challenge go?
Don't act like you guys don't know what a backside insult is! It's a backward "compliment," something like "I love those rare occasions when you don't have an attitude" or "I appreciate when you remember to take out the trash." I hope you all shared lists that contained your spouse's actual qualities!

Hopefully today's challenge won't be too difficult. But if it is, do it anyway!
Is there something that you have been neglecting to do? Is there something that your spouse has requested of you or that you have already committed to doing but for whatever reason, just have not gotten around to it yet? Put forth every effort to resolve this today.

Challenge #24

Was anyone bold enough to take yesterday's challenge?
I will give you all some insight into my experiences with it in the past. Each time I did this, I took mental notes and when we were done discussing it, I went and made a physical list. I still have them years later, in fact, I keep them in my wallet. Every now and then, I go back and look over them to remind myself not to be neglectful of those things.

Here are some examples of the things on my lists:
1. Listen
2. Try to be understanding
3. Be supportive
4. See the good in me
5. Find a better way to say things
6. Enjoy being around me
7. Enjoy who I really am
8. Be positive & say positive things
9. Have less distractions
10. Pay more attention to me

As I have completed this challenge, my lists have become shorter and shorter because I have strived to fulfill my spouse's desires in the areas specified during our discussions. That is my hope for you all!

Today's challenge will be a little easier, for those of you who are either working on yesterday's challenge or still reeling from it! Today, make either a physical or mental list of things you like, enjoy, or appreciate about your spouse and share it with them today. Only qualities, no sideways insults!

Challenge #23

Was yesterday's challenge a doozy or what?
Some of you may have read my comment in which I said that was a lesson that I learned the hard way. I can tell you first hand, the "little things" (as we may view them at the time) can drive a big wedge between you and your spouse. A friend of mine said yesterday that we need to be in healthy relationships with our friends, how very true. I want to take that a step further and say that we need to be in godly relationships with our friends. Let your relationships with people be both Christ and spouse honoring.

I'm just going to be upfront with you about today's challenge. Some of you aren't ready to take it. Period. To take this challenge, you really have to come out of "yourself" and by that I mean, you have to set your feelings and opinions and especially your sensitivity aside. As a person who has completed this challenge multiple times throughout the years, I know - it can hurt. But I also know, it can truly help if you actually do it! And that is the only reason that I am giving it to you all today.

Today's challenge is to ask your spouse what they would like you to work on: if there are any areas in which you could improve. 

Now that it's out there, know this: you can NOT control your spouse's answer(s) to this question. Not in any way, shape, or form. You also can't control how sweetly or condescendingly they give the responses. So to do this may take thick skin, depending on your marriage. This also takes a willingness to truly know what your spouse desires from you. And once you know it, you can't un-know it. And it would be unwise to ignore it.

Challenge #22

Good morning and happy Monday everyone!
How did your weekend of flirting go? I trust everyone had a fun time ;-)

We're going to start this week off right - well technically, we did yesterday, but I mean the work week!
This morning I got to thinking about inappropriate friendships and I thought to myself that we could not be the only married couple who has encoutered this issue - surely every husband and wife has at some point in their marriage. After all, we all started off as single individuals before we decided to couple up. And invariably, there were those friendships/relationships that held on past their expiration date! I'm laughing to myself as I write this because I'm saying this in the most tactful way that I know how.

I believe the majority of husbands and wives have had or maybe still have relationships with members of both sexes that may be to the great disdain of their spouse. Whether it's that co-worker that's overly friendly, that classmate that secretly had a crush on you (or vice versa), or the childhood friend that your spouse just simply does not feel comfortable with - I strongly urge you to re-evaluate your "friendship."

Now let's be clear: am I saying that men and women can't be friends with members of the opposite sex when they are married? No. What I am saying is that any friendship of this kind must be in accord with God's will and in absolute respect of your spouse. What does that mean? 1 Thessalonians 5:22 tells us that we should "Abstain from all appearance of evil." So if it looks bad for you to be going out to lunch alone with your single co-worker, you probably want to steer clear of that. If it looks bad for your single friend who had a crush on you in high school to be texting you, you probably want to steer clear of that too!

What else does it mean? It also means be careful of the company you keep! There are many scriptures and sayings about friendship, but the idea I wish to convey is simply stated in "birds of a feather flock together." Do you have single friends who are only interested in seeking the next thrill, regardless of how it may negatively affect or even hurt others and even themselves? Yes, I mean that friend that wants to hang out at the club or bar, drink, do drugs, sleep around, etc. because to them that is a "good time." Married ladies and gentlemen, think of how this type of behavior will affect your spouse. Maybe it is even that married friend who still acts like he or she is single, knowing that they have a husband or wife at home! Are you hanging around with them to be a witness to them? If that's what you tell yourself, ask yourself if you have to actually hang out with them to be a witness to them and when you do hang out, are you even witnessing to them?? Do you condone what they do? Remember that silence is often viewed as agreement.

Today's challenge is four-fold. First, re-evaluate your friendships. Do you have relationships that God does not approve of? Do you have friendships that your spouse is not comfortable with? Second, if you do, create strong boundaries for these friendships - boundaries that are in honor of God and in respect of your spouse. A true friend will respect your spouse and your decision! If these boundaries cannot be put in place for whatever reason or if these boundaries are broken, eliminate the "friendship" altogether. Third, apologize to your spouse. For either not seeing or disregarding how this/these particular friendship(s) have been hurtful or disrespectful to them. Ask their forgiveness and accept it gratefully. And fourth, repent of this. Ask God to show you any other ways or areas of your life that have driven a wedge between you and your spouse or between Him and yourself.

The Weekend Challenge!

The weekends aren't like the other days of the week. We spend a great deal more time with our spouses on the weekend because (hopefully) no one is working. Due to the high increase in the amount of time spent face to face with your spouse on off days, these challeneges will be specifically designed for just such an occasion. We saw this idea last week in Challenge #16 and truthfully, Challenge #10 should have been a weekend challenge as well. I may change the numbers to identify with this, but I'm not sure yet - I don't want to confuse anyone lol!

This weekend's challenge is going to be a fun challenge. Dust off your best moves and your old pick up lines! Our challenge is to flirt with your spouse. Sideways glances, "the eye," that certain smile, a touch, a graze in passing - pull out all the stops! Be lovingly affectionate and flirt like there's no tomorrow!!!

Warning: flirtatious behavior may lead to sex.
Obviously don't let that stop you! This excerpt is from the Love Dare: "you will enjoy the pure delight that flows when sex is done for all the right reasons. And if that's not enough, you will also have the opportunity to "glorify God in your body" (1 Corinthians 6:20). How beautiful."

Challenge #21

By now, many of you have figured out that it takes hard work to have a strong marriage. If you're exhausting yourself to complete the challenges, you may be going about them all wrong. To love the way we are trying to love (unconditionally) requires the power of God. Without it, you can't do it. Period.

We discover this idea in 1 John 4 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us."

That being said, have you guys heard this analogy of the triangle? The idea is that you and your spouse are in the two bottom corners of the triangle. God is at the top. As you grow closer to God, you grow closer to oneanother. This is the only way to have a truly successful marriage. Strengthening your personal relationship with God, you can't go wrong!

Today's challenge is both simple and extraordinary.
Pray for your spouse today.
Pray for his or her well-being; their spiritual walk, their heart, their soul, everything about them. Pray for their protection and pray for your marital relationship. What better way is their to demonstrate love for your spouse than to lay them before God in prayer? I can't think of one, can you?

Challenge #20

So who gave in? What did you agree to do or allow your spouse to do? Did anyone give away some alone time? How about a vacation - anyone commit to going on vacation? Lol! I joke, but these simple things may be that little extra nudge in the right direction - that thing that your spouse desires from you that has been neglected over the years. Stay in tune with your spouse's desires. I can promise you - it's much more difficult to neglect the things that you are completely aware of than it is to neglect the things you are oblivious to.

Today's challenge is about selfishness. I started to write this one super early in the wee hours of the morning because it was weighing on my heart so heavily. How many times have you called your spouse selfish? How many times have you just thought it? I can admit that for myself, the number is innumerable. We call or think of our spouses as selfish for not doing the things that we want them to do or for not putting us first. The reality is that we are all guilty of this. We are all guilty of not putting our spouses first. Whether it's a little or a lot, it doesn't matter - we are guilty.

We justify this selfishness by telling ourselves things like, well my wife/husband doesn't put me first... or well, if he/she would just do this or that, then I would put him/her first. This method of reasoning is inherently flawed. We can NOT base our action (or inaction) on the actions (or inaction) of our spouse! We have to get out of this box people!!! We have to break the cycle. Otherwise, it will be neverending cycle of one selfish act after another.

So how do we do it? How do we break the cycle? We break the cycle through love. We behave unselfishly no matter what our spouse does or doesn't do. That is the essence of agape - unconditional love. Love that says I love you no matter what. Isn't that what we're all seeking? Isn't that what we all want? Someone to love us through good and bad, right or wrong, through ups and downs, no matter what??? If that's what you desire, why would you ever think that your spouse desires anything less? If that's what you desire, then how can you offer anything less to your spouse? Don't ask for anything more than what you yourself are willing to give. And if you're willing to give it, prove it. Show it. Right now. Stop waiting for your spouse to do "blank" and change "blank." If you want love from your spouse, give it away to them freely and without conditions.

Today's challenge is to repent of (turn away from) your selfishness. Admit to your spouse that you have been selfish, because we all have. There is not one among us who always does what is best for their spouse first. I wish there were, but the truth of the matter is that there is not. There are times when we try to, and there are times when we neglect to or just give up altogether. Confess this to your spouse, that you haven't always put them first or done what is in their best interest. But you are putting forth the effort to change this here and now - today. Ask their forgiveness and love them with the love that you so greatly desire to have.

1 Corinthians 7:3 instructs us to"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband." Benevolence is defined as a disposition (or prevailing tendency) to do good, acts of kindness, and a generous gift. This is what is due or owed to your spouse, simply because of their position as your spouse - who he/she is: your husband or wife. Don't neglect to fulfill this.

Challenge #19

Tell the truth: did your spouse wonder what was up with you yesterday? If you received any questions or comments along the lines of 'what are you so happy about?' that's a good thing! That means you kept a positive attitude and you let it show in your expression. Keep up the good work! I know it's not easy to keep a positive attitude, much less keep a smile on your face through every circumstance.

Today's challenge is about putting your spouse before yourself.

Ephesians 5:21 says that we are to live "submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." This is a mutual submission that esteems another's wishes before your own - as long as it is in accord with what is in the fear of (in other words "pleasing to") God.

Perhaps there is something your spouse desires - to do or to have. Have you been holding out?

If so, I encourage you to let go today. Make the decision in your heart to do what is best for your spouse - and tell them so. A little accountability never hurt anyone, right? :-)

Challenge #18

Think of how nice it is to hear nice things about yourself. I heard something nice about myself today and it really encouraged me and put a smile on my face. We should want to do that for others, especially for our spouses. Often, I have found that I succeed in encouraging my friends and family, but fail at encouraging my spouse. What does it matter if you are so many good things to so many people, but you are a thorn in the side or a discouragement to the one who is closest to you? What would your husband/wife say about you? I hope they would call you a ray of sunshine on an otherwise dark and stormy day.



Today's challenge is about your facial expression. Smile. Yes, right now - smile. Your spouse probably loves your smile. They probably find it very appealing and attractive. It is likely something that draws them to you - or atleast it did in the past when you used it more often!

Make it a point to show your gorgeous smile to your spouse today. And have the positive attitude to back it up! Smiles are infectious and most people can't resist smiling back when you smile at them. Give it a try! And no matter what goes on today, remember: there are greater trials than those that you face. Thank God for a new day and a new opportunity today.

Challenge #17

With all the love we've been practicing lately, it is easy to become discouraged if our spouses don't appear to take notice. Let us be reminded why we are taking this challenge: to love our spouses the way we should love them, deeply and unconditionally. That means that no matter what their actions, we will still demonstrate our love for them. If you are seeking praise, know you may not receive it. If you're seeking to love your spouse, know you are already accomplishing that.

Proverbs 27:2 reminds us of the humility that we are supposed to exhibit in saying: "Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth..." We are going to practice this in two ways: First, when we do things for our spouses we will NOT point it out to them! If they want to commend us on something that we have done, so be it. But we're not going to go out of our way to say 'look what I did for you!' Second, we are going to be the ones to praise them for what they have done, no matter how big or how little.

Today's challenge is to give your spouse a sincere compliment.

Challenge #16

I hope everyone had some fun lastnight! It's nice to get out of the house every now and then, even if only for a few hours.

Today's challenge will carry over into tomorrow. Because it is so late in the day, I realize that though there are some of us that are having a wonderful day with our spouses, there are some of us that may have already had less than pleasant encounters with our spouses. So if you can't complete this challenge today, and even if you do, start afresh tomorrow.

No matter what - do not argue with your spouse today. If you have a disagreement or misunderstanding about something, simply agree to disagree. The last thing any marriage needs is strife or conflict. Strife drives wedges and builds walls between husbands and wives - if we're not careful, we will find ourselves with a great divide between us. We are trying to grow closer to our spouses, so keeping conflict out of our homes must be of the utmost importance.

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves." Philippians 2:3
Imagine what a vast improvement we will see in our marriages if we can remember to apply this to our spouse!

Challenge #15

It is always nice to hear that someone loves you. But don't allow your only exhibition of love to be words alone. If you demonstrate your love through action, your words will mean more - they will be confirmation of what you have already shown.

It's Friday and also payday for many of you lol! Why not make it a date night?
Today's challenge is to take your spouse out on a date. If you can't get rid of the kids or are not financially able, then create a date night at home! If you don't already know, find out what your spouse would like to eat or do or where they would like to go and have some fun tonight!!!

Seminar Part 10

Here is rule number 4 and the last post on this subject. I wanted to share this with several of you who asked questions before. I didn't want to say too much then but this is the answer to many of the questions I received about talking.

4. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE WITH YOUR SPOUSE! That's a disaster waiting to happen for sure.

Talk about movies, cooking, golf, celebrities, or whatever. Stop "working on your marriage and talking about it." That strategy did not work either. Drop it. Remember this is a game. You do not talk about your marriage; you are on the court playing inside your marriage. (Remember when your marriage was at its best, say, not long after you'd met. Did you work on it to become that way?) You are already relating to each other. You are IN the marriage. All you do now differently is that you changed the rules. The game goes on. Your changed behavior will result in your spouse's reconsidering staying in the marriage and wanting to have a good one too. And why wouldn't they? If they start a new one, it is bound to end the same way as this one was before you changed the rules.

Once you give up fighting (disagreeing or resenting) your spouse will too. Your husband or wife did not "win." You both won. A good marriage is a win/win game. As long as you keep insisting on being right – therefore they have to be wrong, or justifying your actions and nullify theirs; as long as you are trying to play a one-upmanship game with your spouse, the marriage will go down the tubes. The price that you are paying for sticking to your old strategies has cost you a fulfilling marriage with your spouse. When you give that up and stick with what you've learned in these posts, your marriage will start flourishing. Someone said that love was not gazing into each other's eyes, but together looking into the future.

That is a next step in creating a powerful and satisfying marriage.
BE CAREFUL: DO NOT SLIP INTO YOUR OLD BEHAVIOR even if your spouse does. Now you know what to do. The more you take the responsibility for your marriage, the healthier it will be. (Responsibility is not a burden. It's a privilege. It is a STAND that you take FOR something.)
Pray for your ability to be the best you can be NOW and every moment from now on, every NOW in the future.

This is the last of the awareness exercises: What would happen if you were to take 100% responsibility for your marriage? Would that make you stronger, or weaker? One day you may laugh at how silly, childish, immature, serious and significant you once were. Now you know better:
• Humans are not logical creatures when it comes to marriages.
• Do not complain to anyone who cannot do anything about it, like your
friends and family.
• Your marriage is a game. (For now, anyway)
• You cannot change the past.
• Do what works; drop what doesn't.
• You do not NEED each other.
• You cannot control the behavior of your spouse.
• You DO NOT have to be right.
• You CAN be happy at any time.
• You do not have to work ON the marriage - you are IN the marriage.
• You CAN choose what quality of a marriage you want to have.

This is it for now. Apply what you've read in these posts and your marriage will get repaired and both of you will become different people. Christ knew why to condemn a divorce. He knew that no matter what (for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health) marriage can always be saved. Better said, there is rarely a really good reason for divorce. First, repair the current marriage and then, if you want to find another husband or wife, at least you will know how to keep them. NOT! The percentage of second marriage divorces is much higher than first ones. Does that tell you something? Once you repair your marriage you will start to build the next stage, a 'gameless' relationship. This will be the next level of your development too.

By changing your ways and with Gods help your marriage will flourish. If you have to read everything over again to remember the steps, do it. Two ladies have already written about the success they are seeing. One said that her husband asked what had happen, that she seemed different. The second husband asked if she had a boyfriend on the side! Some spouses are already noticing.

Challenge #14

Did you learn something new about your spouse yesterday? Did he or she have one or more goals in mind that you were not previously aware of? This should be a frequent learning exercise for us - to test our knowledge of our spouse.

Today we are going to express our love through what we say. TELL your spouse, face to face and distraction free, what they mean to you today. Look them in the eye and tell them how grateful you are to have them as a part of your life. Express at least one way in which they make your life better or easier. Do so sincerely, emphatically, meaning every word.


Also, please take the time to vote on how many years you and your spouse have been married. The poll is located at the bottom right of this page; just click to answer. Thank you!

Seminar Part 9

Another necessary ingredient in the strategy of this game is your mood. No excuses! We are almost finished with this class so make sure that you are reading these post over and over until it sinks in.

3. HIGH SPIRITS, CHEERFULNESS AND HAPPINESS
are ABSOLUTELY necessary ingredients in this game. I found this on the internet and I love it: A Prayer For Happiness May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing that you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun.

It is there for each and every one of you. Whenever you do something for your spouse, do it gladly, immediately and exactly the way they want it. The moment you decide to do something for them that you normally would not do, make up your mind, be sure that it is absolutely your choice to do this, that you do not expect anything in return, not even a 'thank you', and that you will do it the best you can, not just merely do it. Remember that you've stopped being grouchy, controlling, nagging, complaining etc., and that you are now adopting a strategy of doing things quite the opposite to what they were, for example, instead of saying: "Here is your _______ coffee," and throwing the cup on the table, you say: "How much sugar would you like?" whistling your favorite song. Get the picture? Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well, someone said. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

Words spoken in anger or frustration have damaged more than one relationship. Choosing to speak in such a way that builds others up is a key component of healthy relationships. If you are not in a conversation, be cheerful. Show that you are happy with your life at this moment, that your happiness does not depend on your spouse's actions or inactions. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM. Show it by being happy. Your spouse likes you to be happy. They like a "happy you", not a "grouchy you". It draws them closer. No man has ever left a happy woman. You did not get together in the first place because you logically assessed the situation as well as each other and only then logically decided to fall in love. Did you? You were 'happy together.' No one wants to fight unless provoked, threatened and/or afraid. Avoid being threatening in any way and refrain from being provoked and feeling threatened. Always remember that you do not need your spouse. Being happy is just as easily done as said. Try it and practice it. It is your choice from moment to moment. Happiness is a matter of now, of the present moment. You cannot be happy in the future or in the past. Pray for your ability to be independent, peaceful, confident and generous.

I'm going to give you another awareness exercise: What do you achieve by being unhappy and grouchy? You do get something out of it. Some kind of satisfaction. What is it? Look deep and hard. What are the results in the quality of YOUR life when you are unhappy and grouchy? Compare what you are getting vs. what you are sacrificing. Read this two more times and be honest!

Challenge #13

I hope everyone was able to provide their spouse with their favorite meal or dessert yesterday evening. Whether you bought it or made it yourself, just the fact that you thought of them shows that you care and love them.

Be honest, has it become easier to complete these daily challenges? I sure hope so! If we can demonstrate our love for our spouses in some special way each day, we can't help but feel a certain sense of accomplishment. Whether they notice it or not, we know our goal and we should feel great when we accomplish it daily!

 So speaking of goals! We know what our main goal here is: a better marriage as a result of demonstrating love through selflessness to our spouses. But one extremely important goal we should have and certainly accomplish is to know our spouse. I heard someone put it something like this: When we're dating, we want to know all about our mate - their likes and dislikes, what they love, what they hate, etc. When we get married, we feel like we have attained our goal: we have "graduated" from the school of knowledge of our spouse - not realizing that we have only obtained a high school diploma and should be seeking higher education! Maybe I didn't hear someone put it quite that way, but I'm putting it that way now lol!

After we get married, we should seek a college degree in knowledge of our spouse. Truthfully, we should always be continuing education, so plan on graduate school, a doctorate, and constant refresher courses throughout your life to keep your skills honed and up to date. People grow and change constantly and especially over long periods of time. If you've been married a few years, your spouse is likely not the person you married. They have grown and changed in some way. You should be constantly getting to know them! Otherwise, you will wake up one day realizing that you don't in fact know them - you have grown apart and you have to start getting to know them all over again! Don't let that happen - stay in tune with who your spouse is and what's important to them. Be just as interested in knowing their likes and dislikes as you were when you two were dating, no doubt some of these have changed since then!

So finally today's challenge: Does your spouse have a short-term or long-term goal that you can help them take a step toward accomplishing today? Encourage them and support them in - and if you can, help them get closer to accomplishing it! If your spouse doesn't have any goals that you know of, ask them about their goals or future plans. Use this as an opportunity to learn about your spouse and to grow closer together.

A friend of mine posted this reminder yesterday: "Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself." from the Five Love Languages. If we can remember that, we'll be alright!!!

Seminar Part 8

I'm going to tell you to "Create the future NOW." In fact, you've already started. All these posts have been about creating a new future. The next step is to replace everything you were doing that did not work with doing exactly the opposite of what you have been doing so far that did not work.

2. REVERSE THE PROCESS
Instead of disagreeing, agree. Instead of talking, listen. Instead of telling them about themselves, start talking about yourself. Acknowledging your spouse's possible assertion that for them this marriage does not work would be a good start. By acknowledging or agreeing to whatever they say – including their opinions about you and your marriage, you validate them. Your spouse's opinion may be right or wrong; it makes no difference. It is true for them and it certainly is at least partially objectively true. Your agreement is about your acknowledging their opinion and the part that is true - and they have every right to have an opinion and feel a certain way whether their thinking is right or wrong; it shows that you listen and acknowledge and validate your spouse as a person. Whenever your spouse says something, do not judge or assess. Just agree and be quiet. There is a lot of "letting go" to do while practicing this second stage. The French say: What you resist it persists. Letting go of having to be right resolves the situation faster and is much less painful. You cannot change what has been said – it's in the past. Now there is an opportunity to create a new future just by acknowledging how your spouse feels and letting go. By agreeing with them you will show them respect and that’s exactly what every person wants.

As you might see, agreeing with your spouse about whatever they do or say does not mean that you are a weak or subservient human being controlled by them. On the contrary, by agreeing with them you will show your respect and your understanding of where they are coming from. In other words, you will exercise the power of listening: just noticing, accepting and acknowledging the way they think. Your spouse cannot but appreciate it. Be sincere and authentic. Ask genuine questions so that you can understand them better when appropriate, without pushing any buttons.

Remember: do not bring up the past.

Especially for women:
For a woman it is often difficult to understand that men are really simple. Women rely mostly on their feelings, while men rely mostly on their five senses. So, they usually say what they mean and you can take their word at face value. No need to go into the whole process of looking for hidden meanings. What he says is what he means and that’s how it is for him. Respect that. Most often, there is no hidden agenda. Often you will have the urge to explain how you feel, how things are for you, or how they should be. Stop and just listen to HIS explanations. If you normally were to share your feelings with him, listen to his feelings for a change, acknowledge them and do not offer your counter arguments. If you used to pressure him into something, ask him what it is that he would like to do and just go along. Stop telling him that you love him. In fact, make him jealous.

I know that this may not be in strict accordance with Christian behavior, but you do not need to commit adultery. Have fun and go out by yourself. Show him that you can have a life outside of him. Show that you do not need him. If you were promising change, acknowledge that in the present situation it is very likely that nothing will change considering that nothing has worked so far and ask him what he wants to do about it. And so on. I hope you get the idea.

To follow this post and the others you will need some courage. Not needing him helps. Men, just like women hate “needy people”.

Gaining power along the way by knowing the distinctions between reality and feelings or, facts and interpretations also helps. Trusting what you've learned in these post is essential. Do not regress to your old strategies, because you are right, they do not work.

As you may notice, you are playing a game. You may also recognize that you do not like playing games. That is exactly where we are heading – the no-game-zone, but for the time being, the fact is - as we said before - that you have already been playing games all along but with a strategy that did not work. What we have to do first is bring the marriage to the level of mutual support and respect by changing the rules of the game where the two of you will be proud of each other. Then, when your marriage is repaired, you can start building on it, go to the next level and make it a phenomenal marriage. But, for the time being, we must continue to play the game. Do not forget to pray for strength, alertness and clear mind to distinguish between reality and your feelings and meanings you give along the way.

Challenge #12

Showing your spouse that he or she is first is something that we should be doing on a daily basis. Hopefully yesterday's challenge was just the beginning of you demonstrating to your spouse that they are your #1 priority in life.

Today's challenge will hopefully be something fun for you all to do. Many times we've heard that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach but can that also be said of a woman? I think so! In our home, we are fortunate to have two chefs in the house, but we both agree that food just tastes better when it's made by the other person! Is it because we don't want to be the ones to cook a meal for six? Maybe! But it could also be that the old saying is true: that when a meal is prepared with love, you can just taste the love in the food!

Today, take the time to make (or buy) your spouse's favorite meal or dessert.

Seminar Part 7

A. Number one, You Do Not Need Your Husband/Wife
I know, I know, that doesn't sound like Christian counseling to me! Just hold on and keep pace. As I said before, a marriage is a game. Professional athletes take games seriously but with a relaxed attitude. Any sports coach will tell you that you cannot be at your best if you are uptight and thinking only about how you must win. The trick is to pay attention to your own performance and strive for your best. With God’s help anything is possible. Same thing with the marriage game, as long as you think that you cannot live without your husband/wife or, in other words, that you must win them over or that you really need them or that you will "lose them" when they leaves you, you cannot be relaxed enough to be able to win the game. Whatever you may say, I assure you that you do not NEED him/her. You are just fine the way you are although you may not feel that way now. You were born alone and you will die alone. Now, I understand that you WANT to be with your husband/wife and that you WISH your husband/wife were in love with you. So, having your husband/wife in your life is more of a want or a wish than what you really need. Do you see the difference? Once you are able to recognize and accept this fact, you will breathe easier, you will see the reality easier, you will not be so much in your head thinking about what should or should not be, and you will not be driving yourself crazy. So, the choice is yours: if you are going to insist that you need them, you will suffer. If you let go of your neediness, you will gain power.

Try another awareness exercise: In the course of everyday life ask yourself a question whenever you see or hear or think of something you think you need: "Do I really need it or would I merely like to have it or want it?" Notice when you start inventing 'reasons' for really needing something. There are actually VERY few things that you need and they are often connected to your very survival. Notice the difference between a want and a need.

Challenge #11

I hope you were able to let your spouse relax for our last challenge. Do your best not to make your home a place of added stress during off time. Everyone wants a break every now and then - trust me, that "to do" list isn't going anywhere! :-)

Several years ago we went on a Weekend to Remember and just the other night we were sharing our memories about the trip. We both remember things getting off to a rocky start because we were in an argument, the topic of which neither of us remembered. It was very interesting to hear about what stood out to each of us during this trip and I'm going to share one thing that we each clearly remembered.

The Weekend to Remember is a couples event and sometime during the trip, we were broken up into small groups. In our group was a couple much, much older than us. They briefly introduced themselves and told us their story. They were there as a last resort before divorce. They had raised several children who were now grown and out of the house. During that time of "the busyness of life" (a term I'll use often), they grew far apart. Now that the kids were gone, they did not know how to relate to eachother - their marriage was cold and distant.

I distinctly remember a loud blaring alarm going off in my mind: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!
I'm sharing this story with you because I don't want it to happen to you.
Having four children, we always find ourselves busy doing one thing or another. It is very difficult to remember to put your spouse first when it seems that someone else is constantly pulling you in a different direction with their wants and needs, things which you attempt to fulfill as part of your parenting efforts.

I'm not suggesting that you should be bad parents if you have children. I'm simply reminding you that your spouse comes first. Husbands and wives, let's be honest with ourselves here. If you are a parent, how many times have you seen your spouse being attentive to your child(ren) and wished that he or she was that attentive to you? I know I have!

 Today's challenge is to put your spouse first on your list of priorities. This is something one or both of you may be seriously in need of. You know your spouse best, so I can't tell you the best way for you to demonstrate this. However you want to do it, in a way that they will recognize it: show them they are first today. Remember: children grow up. They move out and they move on with their lives. When this inevitably happens, don't be left with distance and brokeness in your marriage. Put forth every effort possible to show your spouse that he or she is in their rightful place in your life: first (amongst men, not before God).

Challenge #10

Forgiveness is hard, I know. Remember, we agreed to take this day by day. So every day is a new day with a clean slate. Practice your forgiveness this way as well! Ephesians 4:26 reminds us to "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath." So whatever anger you may have, let it be brief and rid yourself of it quickly. If it happened yesterday, do NOT allow it to spill over into today!

Today's challenge will be simple (to make up for yesterday's difficult challenge which has to be done daily)!
It's the weekend and we all have our things that we want and like to do during our time off from our regular routine. Today, defer your own wants to your spouse's. Put their wants before your own today. Notice the word "wants." We are not talking about needs here; we are specifically talking about desires. If your spouse wants to sleep in, watch the game, visit a friend, or take the kids wherever - encourage and support them today. Don't do this begrudgingly! Allow them to enjoy themselves today.

Seminar Part 6

I am going to put this lesson in three different posts because I want you to read all three over and over and over until you understand each. Then there will be an awareness exercise. In this post, I am going to give you the first of four rules of a winning game. So hang on and let's get going!

1. STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU'VE BEEN DOING SO FAR THAT DID NOT WORK. (Check the list in the past post)

"Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall"

(Proverbs 16:18). "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." – Rita Mae Brown

Even by just stopping whatever you've been doing before and not doing anything else instead, you will produce positive results. Easier said than done, you say. Well, it takes some thinking, practice and faith to become aware of your actions, to catch yourself in the act, to break the habit of being and living on automatic.

Here is another awareness exercise: Just notice when you have the urge to react, when your buttons are pushed and then when you find the reasons and justifications to react in one of the ways mentioned in the prior post. You may even react and not be able to stop yourself at first. It is very important though, that you become aware of your knee-jerk reactions to your spouse's actions, words, and even to your own thoughts. Read this two more times. Read it again after every conversation with your spouse that sounded confrontational and left you with a somewhat bitter taste in your mouth.

In order to take step number two you always want to be aware of two concepts. They will help you be real and authentic and deal with confronting situations with more power, grace and self-confidence.

Challenge #9

Was everyone able to spend some quality time with their spouse sometime yearterday? Our society is so plagued (yet blessed lol) with so many luxuries, we often don't realize what a distraction they can become to us. It's nice every once in a while to just turn them all off and enjoy the serenity of peace and quiet! Remember this: most spouses do not view zoning out in front of the t.v. as quality time. Try to spend more time engaging with eachother, and less time engaged with various devices!

Now, today's challenge is a difficult one, mostly because it is perpetual.
Today's challenge is about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It is not something that you can do once and forget about it. I wish it was! I wish we could forgive like God who remembers our sins no more (Hebrews 8:12, 10:17). But unfortunately, we are human. Many times, when we forgive, we later remember what had offended us and become upset all over again! That is when we have to remind ourselves that we have already forgiven these offenses and resolve to keep them forgiven and in the past where they belong!

1 Corinthians 13 says love "thinketh no evil." Some translations state this as love "keeps no record of wrongs." Today's challenge is to do away with the mental list of your spouse's wrongs that you've been keeping. Burn it in your mind and resolve never to revisit it again.

Don't ruin today with yesterday's problems!

Seminar Part 5

After you completed the last exercise, you might have noticed that certain things do not work because you cannot control the behavior of your husband/wife. No matter what you think, you cannot have control over the other person. You never have and you never will. Only by changing your own behavior (remember the one that so far has not worked) will cause them to change in the way you want them to, in the way that you can love them and that they can love you. In fact they are not going to "change,"they will only start exhibiting their "good" side: the one that has always been there, the one that you loved in the first place. So, like with any other teamwork, in this marriage recovery class you will focus on what YOU can do and who YOU can be in and for this marriage.

 

The first thing to realize is that a marriage is for the most part a game. Now, you may be resistant to the notion of playing any games whatsoever. The marriage for you should not be a game at all, but a natural outcome of the affection for each other or a similar notion. And, I cannot agree more. Nevertheless, the reality is that you have been playing a game all along even if you thought that you hadn't. You've only played it by the "rules" that you "invented." This is by no means a casual game, but a game nevertheless. The rules of the game in this daily class or post guarantee that THERE ARE NO LOSERS. WHEN YOU WIN, EVERYONE WINS. The only way you can lose is if you stop playing by the rules you're learning here, and start playing a different game, the game that you've always played – and lost.

 

More tomorrow, God Bless!

Challenge #8

I hope everyone was able to complete yesterday's challenge successfully!

Perhaps your spouse did not even notice that you took care of something for them yesterday - or if they did, they didn't say anything about it. That's alright! We are not completing these challenges to receive pats on the back from our spouses. We are completing these challenges to demonstrate love through selflessness to our spouses. As long as we remember that as our goal, we will be successful at improving the quality of our marriages.

Onto today's challenge!
Romans 12:10 tells us to "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;"

Let's apply this to our spouses and show them that we prefer them today! While you and your spouse are at home, turn off the t.v., shut down the computer, put away your Ipads and smart phones. Give your spouse your undivided attention as much as possible today!

Seminar Part 4

(Will be moved to Seminar page)

So let's do some work now. Since you're been reading these post and treating them as marriage counseling classes, I am going to presume that you have been doing everything in your power to save your marriage and you have not exactly succeeded. I'm sure that you did your best. Now, you may not know what to do next or, you do know that you've tried everything and there is nothing else you can do. Don't jump to conclusions just yet. First of all lets see what you've been doing. What strategies and behaviors have you tried so far? Here are some examples. See which ones you can recognize as yours.

explaining…reasoning…pressuring…being depressed...more "loving"
promising change…threatening…begging…whining…bribing…arguing blaming…justifying…asking…pleading…avoiding…reassuring...dominating
avoiding being dominated…being in therapy and/or counseling…hoping
expecting them to change…expecting something…being in a bad mood and/or depressed…moralizing…throwing fits and tantrums…pushing...being angry having expectations…being a victim…complaining…swearing…judging...making them wrong…being disrespectful condescending...seeking help from friends, etc.

I am sure you can find your actions among these and feel free to add your own. Here's another awareness exercise: Underline the ones that sound familiar, then think for a moment and try to remember what outcomes you've achieved so far with the strategies and behaviors you have been using. It may help if you write them down. (Be honest) If you have concluded that everything you have tried so far has not really worked, that there has been no major shift in the quality of your marriage, and now you don't know what you could possibly do more or differently, don't despair, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Challenge #7 - The Golden Rule

Did you tell your husband or wife that you were thinking about them yesterday? :-)
How did he or she react? Were they pleasantly surprised or did they behave indifferently? If you did not receive a reaction or received a less than favorable reaction, I encourage you to prayerfully consider the reasons behind their response. More in depth consideration is likely necessary. Don't put it off.

"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31

This is the scriptural reference to the phrase known by many as "do unto others..." also know as "The Golden Rule." We can apply this to all people and areas of our lives, but today, we are specifically going to apply this to our spouses. For today's challenge, we are going to demonstrate our love for our spouses through action.

Today, do something that your spouse would normally be the one to take care of so that they don't have to today. Big or small doesn't matter, we're performing a simple act of service. Bathe a kid, take out the trash, mow the lawn, pay a bill - whatever! Sky's the limit so be creative!!! Just be sure to commit yourself to doing this today!

Seminar Part 3

Wives, I am going to share this awareness exercise with you today: Notice when you talk about your husband to others. What is it that you are saying? Are you complaining about him? What are you justifying? Are you looking for agreement? How would you react if your family and friends did not agree with your point of view? Notice that the more you talk about your husband's shortcomings, the more real they become, especially if you get the agreement. Consider that by complaining you are digging a deeper and deeper grave for your marriage.

Challenge #6

Did you remember to thank your spouse yesterday? If not, do it today! Certainly we can find something to appreciate them for daily!

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

What a simple thing to do, yet it means so much! Positive thoughts not only lead to a positive outlook on life (and love) but to positive actions as well. Remind yourself of all the good that your spouse brings into your life and how blessed you are to have a lifelong companion, after all - many do not. Have you or your spouse (or both) returned to work today? Today's challenge is to let your spouse know that you are thinking about them while you are apart. Whether it's a text, a short email, or a phone call - just let them know that even though you have returned to business as usual and in spite of the busyness of life, they are never far from your mind or your heart.

Friends & Family

(Will be moved to The Seminar page)

"Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband"(Ephesians 5:33).

I want to share something about your family and friends. Our family and friends often try to help us resolve the differences with our spouses. How often do they succeed? Rarely. They most likely have not taken marriage classes either. In times of conflict with your husband/wife (who is now quickly becoming your enemy) your family and friends "support you" by basically taking your side. That's what family does and that's what friends are for. The way they see it is as a friend's duty to "take your side" in an apparent "war" against your husband/wife. That doesn't seem to be the best way to go about resolving your differences, does it? Those are most often the strategies for winning, or at least for not losing, a war. These posts are not about war. It's about peace, the way Christ professed it. World peace starts at home, with your marriage. These daily post are truly about DISSOLVING conflict and building a firm foundation for a healthy marriage.

"But at the beginning of creation God `made them male and female` For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife" (Mark 10:6).

This Verse clearly states that your husband/wife comes before your mother/father. Although it was written for men, it does apply to women as well. So, do not say anything bad about your husband/wife to your mother, or to anyone else for that matter.
Don't blame your family and friends for trying to help, though. Practice compassion. You asked for it in the first place, remember? Love them but do not follow their advice. In fact, don't even complain to them. They cannot remedy your situation. Only you can. If you are looking for sound advice, they cannot give it because they are too close to you. They may mean well, but they simply don't know; they learned from their parents and their parents learned from their parents, etc., who also didn't know. It goes down through generations. If you are honest with yourself you will see that by complaining you are just looking to your friends to support your point of view. It is very human to complain to your friends, but unfortunately not very effective. If you want your friends to support you, ask them to support your actions from what The Bible teaches and from these daily posts, even if they do not agree or understand how it works. Ask them to remind you of the above quote. Gossip is deadly, but prayer is healing. Pray for the strength and clarity of mind for yourself and your husband. Pray for peace and practice it. God Bless!

Challenge #5

I sincerely hope each one of you were able to spend at least 15 minutes of alone time with your spouse yesterday! Alone time is so important, yet often neglected due to the busyness of life.

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Today's challenge is simple.
No doubt there are many things that our spouses do for us on a regular basis that we take for granted. Today, choose to thank your spouse for something he or she does that you appreciate. Don't assume that your spouse knows they are appreciated. Even if they do, it's always nice to hear it!

Apologies Are Free

This is the first in a series of posts that make up a marriage seminar by our pastor. I will be creating a new page strictly for these posts entitled "Seminar." This will be moved to the Seminar page.

Posted by our Pastor

I realize that not all can attend a marriage seminar so I am giving you the very same thing you would get by attending ours... By all the replies I've received there are some hurting people and hurting marriages. I don't feel like it's fair to make people wait when they need help now. All that I am doing in these daily posts is giving you a simple guide for repairing your marriage, providing that you really want to have a healthy, loving and satisfying marriage, and you are willing to give up some of your old destructive techniques, practices and behaviors. Besides a healthy marriage, you are going to experience spiritual and personal growth, higher self-esteem and a much more satisfying life just by following the simple instructions in these post.

"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32).

Relationships do not survive without kindness and forgiveness. As Christ has forgiven us even though we don't deserve it, we should also forgive others even when they are truly wrong. In the next few posts we are going to address what works and what does not work, specifically in the marriage with your husband and even boyfriend, or fiancé. You will also get some awareness exercises, which may give you insights into your own behavior and practices that you may not have been aware of and which do not serve you or your marriage.

Before you start "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed" (James 5:16 paraphrased). You may not even be in touch with your "ex", or he does not talk to you. If this is your situation the first thing to do is to get back in communication with him so that you can use these posts. The best way to do this is to apologize – in person (it’s the best), by phone, e-mail or mail - for whatever you did wrong. Do not make up reasons or excuses, and say that you have promised to yourself and the world that you will never do it again. This is important: you have to actually MEAN it, believe it and keep your word about it, otherwise no one else will believe you. (Keep in mind that you may have promised things in the past and not kept your promise.)When I say apologize, I do not mean to merely say that you are "sorry." They already know that. Most likely you have said it before. What I do mean is use the word "apologize" instead of "sorry." Apologies do not cost anything. Also, do not apologize with an agenda of getting him back. This will become clearer as we go on. Do not do anything before you finish reading ALL the posts and I will tell you when. But what you can do is start praying that God will prepare you to do the things that will need to be done at that time. I pray and hope that these posts have given you some hope in your marriage. God Bless!

To A New Year & A Fresh Start!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

I pray that God will richly bless you and all those that you love this year and always!
Remember, you don't have to wait til New Years to start fresh, you can do that daily!!

How did it go yesterday? Were you able to make it through the entire day without saying anything negative? If so, give yourself a high five!!! (I high five myself all the time! Not literally of course. Well, sometimes literally...) If you weren't able to complete yesterday's challenge, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you repeat it. This is a challenge worth completing and you would be surprised at what an impact it can have. Often, we don't even realize that we're being negative - our spouses may in fact see us as negative, pessimistic people and we may not even know it!

Onto today's challenge. Though it's already afternoon, so what? We're not going a day without a challenge, God willing! So today, we are going to fit in some alone time with our spouses. If it's 15 minutes, an hour, or the entire day - it doesn't matter. You just have to be alone, just the two of you. You don't have to do anything special. All you have to do is be together.

So put all the kids down for a nap at the same time, make 'em all clean their rooms, or send them off with grandma - whatever you have to do. Do not let this day end without spending some alone time with your spouse. And for those of you who don't have kids and therefore don't have to worry about getting rid of them (don't rub it in lol!) take your challenge a step further and nix all electronics - this includes the tv, computer (see ya!), cell phones, etc. Enjoy this time completely ALONE! :-)