Lifelong Union

Will be moved to the Pastoral Insight page:

God who created man and marriage itself, has laid out His plan for marriage as a lifelong union. God knows this design is the best. When we stray from His plan, the results are damaging on many levels.
Unfortunately, the divorce rate in the church is comparable to that of the culture at large. Many Christians see nothing wrong with divorce, at least in their own particular situation. But the Bible clearly addresses marriage and divorce.
Marriage is the first institution created by God. God made the first man, Adam, but declared that it was not good for Adam to be alone. He then brought to Adam all the animals, which Adam named, but "no companion suitable for him" was found (Read Genesis 2:20). God was revealing to Adam his incomplete nature. God then created a woman, Eve, for Adam. He blessed them and their union and gave them the earth to rule over. (See Genesis 1:27-28.) The creation of marriage occurred prior to sin's entrance into the world. It was a part of God's perfect design for mankind.
Through the prophets, God emphasized three principles:
1. Marriage is sacred
2. God hates divorce
3. Marriage is designed to produce children of good character. (See Malachi 2:13-16)
Jesus underscored the importance and sacredness of lifelong marriage in His own teachings. (See Matthew 19:6.)
The apostle Paul further taught that the marital relationship is to be an ongoing demonstration of the sacrificial love that Christ showed His church. (See Ephesians 5:21-33.)
Specifically, what does the Bible tell us about divorce? Malachi 2:13-16 gives us a clear look into God's heart for marriage:
13And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand.
14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
16For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
I understand that some people have suffered a divorce through no-fault of their own. I understand that some have to get out of an abusive situation or some through a spouses continual infidelity. But most divorces today in the christian community are for selfish reasons that have lasting consequences.
If you are a Christian considering divorce, please pray carefully about your decision, and be open to God's leading. (God's heart is to heal marriages.)
If your spouse is the one deciding on divorce, you may not be able to stop him or her through current divorce laws. However, you can try to persuade your spouse to consider a legal separation first, which would give you both more time to consider the issue.
Pray that God will open the lines of communication between you and your spouse and that He will restore the love in your relationship. And pray for patience and a forgiving spirit. Try to resist the temptation to say angry words to your spouse or do things that would push him or her further away. Restoration does occur even in the most hostile circumstances, but it is more difficult when harsh words have passed between you. Remember, God hates divorce! God Bless!!

Challenge #81

Sharing Family Life's Marriage Memo:

Placing Your Spouse in the "Front Seat" of Your Heart
by Ron L. Deal
God's design for the family begins with marriage laying the foundation for the home. But stepfamilies are at a disadvantage.
Why? Because at the inception of a stepfamily, married couples find it difficult to establish their relationship as the foundation.
After all, parent-child relationships predate the new marriage and are bonded by blood, history, and family identity. When a husband and wife bring children into their new marriage, they often find their marriage is the secondary relationship. And unless they find a way to make the marriage primary, they will experience distress and instability in the home.
“Wait a minute,” you may say. “You mean I have to put my spouse before my children? I understand your point, but they are my flesh and blood.” Comments like these remind me of the stepfather who complained that after two years of marriage he still rides in the back-seat of the car while his wife’s children take turns riding in the front.
The process of establishing the couple as the foundational relationship of the home can feel like a win-lose situation for biological parents and children—the marriage wins, the children lose. But this is not the case. It’s a matter of significance. It’s not that a spouse matters more than children, but rather that a strong marriage relationship contributes more significantly to the stability of the home than any other factor—including the children.
Your children will never suffer neglect because you make a strong commitment to your new spouse. You don’t have to choose between your spouse and your children; when you make your marriage your primary priority, you are actually choosing both. Placing your spouse in the “front seat” of your heart is good for your children, too. In fact, a healthy marriage means safety and protection for children.
Barriers to overcome
Managing this dynamic in a stepfamily is easier said than done. One common barrier is paralyzing guilt: ”I can't do that to my kids. I don't ever want them to think I love my spouse more than I love them.”
Children suffer significantly when a parent dies or their parents divorce; when you feel guilty about what happened, it’s easy to feel a great deal of sympathy for your children. You may try to protect them from stress or from feeling unloved. If a parent becomes paralyzed by this guilt, there is a huge temptation to coddle or side with the child against your spouse.
Unfortunately this both discourages the child to move past his sadness (why would he stop grieving when it rewards him?) and steals your spouse’s authority with the child. Parents cannot afford to allow their own guilt to keep them paralyzed.
A second common barrier is refusing to take risks. When a husband and wife do what is necessary to move their marriage into a place of priority, they need to be willing to withstand the reactions of their children. Children sometimes threaten to spend more time at the other home, or protest changes in the home with anger, or close themselves off to a relationship with the stepparent as a way of discouraging their parent from investing in the marriage.
Another barrier to establishing a solid remarriage is competition for attention and affection. You may feel resentful if your spouse seems to push you away from your children, and vice versa. Stepparents who repeatedly turn everyday circumstances into a “me or them” decision inadvertently push their spouse into a defensive posture in support of their children. This is nothing but trouble.
How can couples establish their relationship as the foundation of the home when children preceded the marriage? Here are some practical tips:
1. Set a regular date night and keep it. Prioritizing time for one another helps your children see the importance you place on your relationship.
2. Strive to trust the heart of your spouse. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward your children even if they complain. Strive to give your spouse equal say in parenting decisions; be a team.
3. Support your spouse in front of your children. Back up your spouse’s decisions and insist that all the children in the household respect those decisions.
4. Affirm your commitment “out loud.” Verbally expressing love to one another in front of the children, hugging in plain sight, and talking about your future together reinforce the permanency of your marriage.
5. Spend one-on-one time with your biological children and remain involved in their activities. This reinforces that they haven’t “lost” you and paradoxically makes their acceptance of your marriage easier.
6. Insist “out loud” that your spouse spend special time with his or her biological children. This communicates that you are not in competition with them.
7. Don’t let your children manipulate you through guilt. It’s natural for children to show signs of stress or anxiety as you “move your spouse into the front seat of your heart.” Be sympathetic but don’t let them manipulate you into taking their side. Just because children hand you a ticket for a guilt-trip doesn’t mean you have to go for the ride!

8. When children challenge the role of the stepparent, respond firmly and with compassion. “You’re just changing the rule because she wants you to,” is a common complaint. Acknowledge the child’s confusion and move forward. “You’re right. Things are different now that Linda and I parent together. And you know if I were you, I’d be upset about this, too. But this is the new rule and I’m in agreement with it, so please abide by it. Let’s go.”

Challenge #80

Listening to a message by Charles Stanley, he spoke about reaping what you sow.
He illustrated that reaping what you sow is a law of the land: everything planted will grow. In the same way that planting the seeds of certain fruits and vegetables will yield exactly what is planted, planting seeds in our lives works the same way. In the same way that we can't expect to grow strawberries by planting beets, we can't expect to grow love and peace by sowing sin. His message wasn't about marriage, but hearing it, I could not help but apply it to marriage. You can listen to the full message here: In Touch

He refers to Galatians 6 which says "⁷Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. ⁸For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. ⁹And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

If you sow anger, resentment, or selfishness into your marriage, you will reap exactly that. But likewise, if you sow patience, love, and forgiveness into your marriage, you will reap exactly that! So the question is: what do you want to develop and grow in your marriage? As he said in his message: "if you don't like what you've been harvesting, change seed bags!"

Today's challenge is to apply these concepts to your marriage by sowing the seed for the fruit of the Spirit. Galatians 5 "²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, ²³Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Challenge #79

Hopefully you have all spent the few minutes it takes to find out your spouse's love language by now. We just want to take a few minutes to share briefly what these languages mean to you according to the author of the Five Love Languages.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

We hope this gives you some insight into how your actions or inactions can potentially affect your spouse and how you can better demonstrate selfless love toward your spouse today!

Challenge #78

A Five Love Languages recommendation on words of affirmation:

Look for your spouse's strengths and tell them how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are they will work hard to live up to their reputation.

Challenge #77

The Five Love Languages on quality conversation:

1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking
2. Don't listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time
3. Listen for feelings
4. Observe body language
5. Refuse to interrupt

Put these tips into practice when speaking with your spouse today!

Challenge #76

The need to feel loved by one's spouse is at the heart of marital desires. Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. At the heart of mankind's existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists an invisible "emotional love tank" with its gauge on empty? Could the misbehavior, withdrawal, harsh words, and critical spirit occur because of that empty tank? If we could find a way to fill it, could the marriage be reborn? With a full tank couples be able to create an emotional climate where it is possible to discuss differences and resolve conflicts? Could that tank be the key that makes marriage work?

                                                               - Taken from "The Five Love Languages"

How does your spouse's "emotional love tank" look? Is it full and overflowing or has it been running on fumes for God knows how long? If we look at emotional love as the fuel that drives our marriage, we can put into proper perspective just how important it is for our spouse to feel loved. Do you know how to make your spouse feel loved? Do you know how to express love to them in a way that they will understand and perceive as love? If so, show them they are loved through your actions today. And if you do not know your spouse's 'love language,' we encourage you to discover it today.

Here are the assessments For Wives and For Husbands. More from The Five Love Languages this week.

Challenge #75

Imagine if God's love for us was based on our performance as Christians. We would all be lost! Praise God that his ways are far above our ways. He does not love us with a worldly "love" that is based on his mood or "love" that is forever changing. Yet some of us insist upon loving our spouse this way. Why? We know that we do not want to be loved this way. We want unconditional love simply for being who we are. We don't want to be loved based on performance. Probably because we know that we all fall short - we all stumble and fall sometimes and we desire to be loved in spite of our failures. So knowing this, why do we subject our spouse to this type of conditional "love?" One word: selfishness. We have to let it go. From this point forward, strive to love your spouse as God loves. Spouse before self all the time, not just when we 'feel' like it.

Challenge #74 - No Greater Love

Bill and his wife were driving through the Rocky Mountains when a near-miss with a truck caused their car to swerve off the road and plunge into the Colorado River. After scrambling out of their sinking vehicle, they frantically treaded water in the swift current. A truckdriver, who had seen the accident, ran ahead along the shore and threw a rope to them. Bill swam behind his wife and pushed her to where she could grab the rope—and the man pulled her out. Bill, however, was carried downstream and didn’t survive. He had given his life for the woman he loved.

To give your life so another person can live is the ultimate proof of love. During the night that Jesus was betrayed, He told His disciples of His intention to give His life in exchange for mankind. He told them: “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (John 15:13). And then He set the ultimate example of self-sacrifice by going to the cross.

Have you ever given any thought to the fact that Jesus did that for you—that He died in your place? In so doing, He not only proved His love for you, but He also made it possible for you to be forgiven of your sins and to have an eternal home in heaven.

He who gave Himself to save me,
Now will keep me to the end;
In His care securely resting
On His promise I depend. —Bosch

Christ’s sacrifice was what God desired and our sin required.

from Our Daily Bread

Challenge #73

Here's a question that we should all ask ourselves: how important is my marriage?How important is your marriage to you? How important is it to your spouse? To your children (if you have any)? To your extended family and friends? What would happen to you and those around  you if your marriage ended today? What would life be like for you and your spouse to be seperate? If you are like most people, you probably do not like the answers that come to mind when you ask yourself these questions. Most of us would not want to experience or inflict the hurt that comes with divorce on any of those in our lives that we care about. That is why our marriages are so fundamentally important. Most of the strongest relationships formed stem from the relationship created when two people marry: husband/wife, parent/child, in-laws/extended family, even many of our friends. If you consider your marriage to be much like the nucleus of your other earthly relationships, it is so much easier to put its importance into perspective.

This week, I've been thinking quite a bit about pruning. That is really a big part of what we challenge ourselves to do here daily: take away the bad to add the good. Eliminate unnloving, careless, destructive, or selfish behavior and replace with loving, caring, encouraging, selfless behavior. So how is that going for you? What kind of progress have you made? Because we all must have the proper understanding of the importance of our marriages and our roles within them in addition to the ability to regulate our own actions in a way that will strengthen the marriage. We must know our part and do it faithfully in spite of what our spouse may or may not be doing.

For today's challenge, identify an area in which you should grow. For example: I need to grow in grace: I need to stop expecting my spouse to do everything that I want them to do perfectly and be more understanding of their short-comings. Or: I need to grow in love. I need to be more attentive to the needs of my spouse and show them unconditional love through word and deed. We could make examples all day: patience, kindness, selflessness, etc. You know in which areas you could stand to experience some growth. Pray about it then act upon it.

Challenge #72

The vast majority of us have tasks that are designated to us and others that are designated to our spouse: there are certain things you generally handle and another list of responsibilities that your spouse usually takes care of. However, there are times when one of you may not meet the expectations of the other. Perhaps one of you forgot or neglected an obligation. This is usually when conflicts arise.
The conflict stems from the fact that one person was expecting another to perform a task and the other did not follow through with meeting that expectation. What happens next? Generally, frustration surfaces, a complaint is made, or possibly even an argument ensues. Why? Because someone did not fulfill an obligation, spoken or unspoken.

Philippians 2:14 says to "do all things without complaining or disputing." How much strife, how much conflict, how many harsh words or hurt feelings can we eliminate in our marriage by doing simply that? If your wife didn't do the laundry or your husband didn't take out the trash, what would happen if you just did it without complaining or disputing? Let's find out! For today's challenge, apply Philippians 2:14 to your spouse and reap the benefits of maintaining peace and a loving, positive attitude in your marriage and your home.

Challenge #71

Today we're sharing Family Life's Marriage Memo:

Resurrected Lives and Resurrected Marriages by Dave Boehi I see so many letters and e-mails like this, and yet I never grow tired of them: "My wife and I have been having several struggles including her affair earlier this year," one husband wrote, "but I was the one pursuing her. She said she still wanted to be married to me after I forgave her, but she wasn't putting any effort into our relationship." His pastor encouraged them to attend a Weekend to Remember®, FamilyLife's three-day getaway for couples, so he signed up. But he was skeptical. "It seemed like a waste of time and money. How could God change her heart in a weekend?" During the first night of the conference there was no connection between them. "The next morning I prayed that God would open my heart and my wife's and allow His Word along with the instructors whom He had chosen for the delivery to give us something, anything to reconnect to put fire and excitement back into our marriage." And that afternoon His prayer was answered—God somehow cut through the hurt and the pain and the hardness and touched their hearts. "God gave me a new outlook and excitement for the future of our marriage, and He opened my wife's heart!" During a couple's project they wrote love letters to each other, and he was amazed to see what she wrote. "She hadn't told me she loved me in over four months! I saw a miraculous change in our marriage. We actually reconnected, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us … I cannot change the past and it will take a lot of time for my pain and my wife's pain to heal, but I know our future will be strengthened into oneness of heart with God as the lifeblood." As we celebrate Easter this week, I am struck by the fact that Jesus Christ died and was resurrected so that we could be reconciled to God and see a resurrection in our own lives as well. As 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 tells us, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ …" I've seen this resurrection in my own life—I'm not the same person that I was before I received Christ as my Lord and Savior. And I've seen this resurrection in the stories I read of married couples who have seen their marriages made new by the power of Christ. We often see these stories emerge from the Weekend to Remember marriage getaways. For many couples, this is the first time they've gotten away together in years, and the first time they've focused so long on God's design for their marriages. The results can be dramatic. Another husband wrote us recently to say that the Weekend to Remember saved his marriage: "My wife and I had been becoming more and more isolated over the last four years and we were at the end, with virtually no hope of saving our marriage or at least no hope of living happily together in the same household," he wrote. "Something told me that this conference was our last shot. On the way, my wife and I fought so terribly I didn't even think we would make it. … I remember the speaker said, ‘God loves your marriage and Satan hates it.' I believe that Satan was trying to keep us from even reaching the seminar. "To make a long story short, by lunch time on Saturday, my wife and I asked each other for forgiveness and have dedicated ourselves to seeking oneness with each other and to creating a Christian legacy in our three children … The transformation in my wife is unbelievable—God really spoke to her. I hope that my transformation is worthy of my wife." Over the next few days, consider that Christ was raised from the dead so that we might experience new life. I love the apostle Paul's words in Ephesians 1:18-19, where he prays that the eyes of our hearts would be enlightened, that we would know the hope of His calling, and experience the "surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe." The same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to us. It can make us new, and it can resurrect any relationship that seems hopeless.

Does your marriage need new life breathed into it? Attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway this spring. Please do consider attending a Weekend to Remember near you. No matter what stage your marriage is in, it can benefit from this event!

Challenge #70

What are your greatest desires in life? Is a successful marriage one of them? What does a successful marriage look like? It is not a marriage in which things always go your way, things are always great, or 100% free from conflict. If things are always going your way, it's unlikely that the needs of your spouse are being met. For things to always be great would imply perfection and we know that perfection is not possible. Lastly, there is nothing wrong with conflict - conflict can and will arise. It is how you deal with conflict that matters.

How do you and your spouse address conflict? Is there yelling and screaming? Hitting or throwing things? Ignoring, walking away, storming out? There should be no problem too great that you and your spouse can not come together and work through in love and patience. Often, we save our love and patience for the rest of the world: our kids, our extended family, friends, co-workers, etc. By the time something arises with our spouse, we are all out of love and patience.

Shouldn't your spouse get the very best of you? I have no shame in saying that I want first pick from my spouse, after God of course - always know that I mean after God. So after Him, I want the first of my spouse's love and affection. The first of my spouse's kindness and patience. We all want the very best from our spouse. But are we giving that? Are we giving our spouse the cream of the crop of us? Or does your spouse get the tired you? The cranky you? The all out of time you?

Today's challenge is to give your spouse the best you that you have after fellowship with God. Give God your best and give your spouse "next" best, not whatever is left over after giving everyone else your best all day.