Challenge #87: The Best of Me

We are going through the Home Builders Couples Seriers with some friends and we came across a very interesting activity. Together we had to rate how well our marriage reflects God's image and models his attributes to others. There were four categories: We reflect God's... 1)perfect love for imperfect people 2)loving-kindness, by serving to meet needs 3)commitment by patient support and 4)peace by resolving conflicts. Those categories were then applied to three different persons: to each other, to our families (we took this to mean extended family, not the family we created together), and to others. The diagram looks like this:

What an activity! We found that we reflect God's love, kindness, commitment, and peace to our friends and families on a MUCH greater scale than to each other. In fact, our ratings for families and others were all 8-10 and to each other, they were 5 and below! Ouch! What a painful reality. To realize that you are better to other people than you are to your spouse can be a heart breaking experience. With this information, we vowed to be better to each other, to treat each other better than we treat other people in our lives.

So with that, I present you with this question: Who receives the best of you?
Who receives the most patience? The most kindness? Is it your co-workers? Your extended family? Whom do you serve and for whom do you sacrifice? Your fellow church members? Your closest friends?

For today's challenge, use the diagram above to rate yourself in the areas listed. Be honest with yourself. If you discover that you, like us, have better reflected God's love to other people than to your spouse, repent of this and vow to put your spouse first from this day forward.

Challenge #86 Dating Your Wife

June 11, 201220 Ideas for Dating Your Wife by Justin Buzzard Men, you know your wife better than anyone else, and only you know how to best encourage and cultivate her as a woman of God. But sometimes it helps to build off other people's ideas in order to form your own. Here are 20 ideas that I hope will spark your thinking about how you can date your wife. 1. Attend a wedding. Sit in the back row and spend the whole time whispering memories from your own wedding. 2. Make a list of 10 things your wife loves to do. Each new time you take your wife on a date, do one of those 10 things as your date. 3. Take up a new hobby with your wife; do something new that you're both excited about. 4. Do the classic date: dinner and a show. Take your wife to din­ner and to a movie she wants to watch. 5. Take a 12-month honeymoon with your wife. Relive your honeymoon by scheduling a 24-hour getaway for every month of this year. Each month go somewhere new with your wife. 6. Devote one hour each night for alone time with your wife. Talk about how your days went. Joke around with each other. Cultivate your friendship. Talk honestly about what's going on in your lives. Help each other. Encourage each other. Pray together. 7. Mark your wife's birthday, your wedding anniversary, and Mother's Day on your calendar every year and plan to make those days special. 8. Write a love note to your wife. Tell her all over again what she means to you. 9. Spend an evening stargazing with your wife and talking about dreams you have for the future. 10. Spend an evening reminiscing with your wife about all you've been through together and all God has done and redeemed in your life together. 11. Devote the next month to studying a book of the Bible with your wife. Take 20 minutes several nights a week to read, discuss, and pray through a shorter book such as Ephesians or Philippians. 12. Visit your roots. Visit where your wife grew up and where you grew up. Learn more about each other's backgrounds. 13. Hold your wife's hand often, in public and in private. 14. Tell your wife that you love her. 15. Tell your wife that Jesus loves her more than you do. 16. Set a weekly date night. Each week rotate going out and stay­ing in for your date night. 17. Cancel work for the day and do something special with your wife. 18. Take dancing lessons with your wife. 19. Cut something from your schedule and use that time to date your wife. 20. Vacation with your wife without your kids, without your work, and without your cell phone and computer.

Challenge #85

Now this is going to be a challenge.

More than likely, you think about your spouse some time through out the day, and if you're like most people, you think about them multiple times a day.

For today, each time your spouse comes to mind, say a prayer for them. Yes. EACH TIME. It doesn't have to be long and you don't have to stop what you're doing. It can be short but sweet: Lord, I pray for my wife right now, wherever she is I pray that you keep your hand of protection over her. Or Father, I pray for my husband that you would encourage him and shine your light through him. Short, but sweet.

It's really not as difficult as it sounds, it just takes a little extra thought and a little discipline. So from this moment forward, every time you think of your husband/wife, say a prayer for them. Let's strive to continually pray for God to intercede in the life of our spouse!

Challenge #84

Does your spouse always tell you when they’ve had a rough day?

Chances are, probably not. Whether your spouse works or stays home, there are times when the days seem longer and harder to them. Your spouse may have had a horrible day and you may not even know it. They may feel that they didn’t get much accomplished or that they have been unsuccessful or failed in some way. Today, find a way to let your spouse know that no matter what, they are a winner in your eyes!

Challenge #83

Do you ever think about your spouse’s self-esteem?

How high or low is it?

How does your spouse feel about him or herself?

Does your spouse see themselves as totally capable, confident enough to take on whatever is thrown their way? Or do they see themselves as likely to fail or always messing up?

How do your words and actions affect your spouse’s self-esteem?

Do you make your husband/wife feel ten feet tall?

Or do you make them feel small enough to fit through the doggy door?

Today, put forth an effort to boost your spouse’s self-esteem with both your words AND your actions. Make your husband or wife feel ten feet tall today!

Marriage Memo

The Ring Makes All the Difference

by Glenn T. Stanton

All relationship forms are not created equal.
Cohabitation is not a junior, apprentice form of marriage.
Cohabitation is not an on-ramp to marriage.
Cohabitation is not marriage’s spring training.
Cohabitation is not marriage-lite.
Cohabitation is just “moving in together” so we can save some money on rent, spend more time together, and see how the relationship works out.
Marriage is an action, a decision, a statement.
Marriage is giving our all to another and stepping up and proclaiming it to the community of people around us. And that commitment makes us different kinds of people, different partners, different parents. It says we are clearly for another, or at least that’s what the others around us—those who witnessed our exchange of vows—expect of us. Marriage demands something of us. And this expectation makes us act differently.

Marriage is definitive. Marriage is absolute. Marriage leads us into new worlds—and it closes off others.

This is the virtue of marriage. This is why marriage makes real, measurable differences in our lives.

Marriage is so much more than we tend to think it is.
Marriage is more than the wedding. Too many young couples today act as if the wedding is what marriage is primarily about, rather than just simply the doors a couple passes through on their way into matrimony. Researchers and journalists who talk to young couples about why they are delaying their marriage find these couples often explain they aren’t marrying because they can’t yet afford a wedding.
To listen to these young folks, mostly the women, one would think their pastor or the clerk at City Hall will reject their application for a marriage license because they can’t spend at least $10,000 on their wedding.

When Jackie and I got married in 1982, big weddings were as much the craze as they are today. But we were two kids who had fallen in love in high school and wanted to get married as soon as we could. Our wedding probably cost $800, including rings, Jackie’s dress, and my dorky white tux. No one told us we were dishonoring marriage.
We were, however, honored by the number of people who told us that night and afterward that it was one of the most beautiful weddings they had ever attended. It certainly wasn’t because we put on an impressive party on such a tight budget. It was because our wedding was the simple, honest celebration of the commitment two young people were making to one another.
There is absolutely no research showing that couples who drop a gigantic wad on a wedding bash have longer, happier marriages than those who don’t. In fact, those who think the ceremony is the big thing probably end up less satisfied in their marriages. They are focused on the frosting rather than the cake.
Those who invest themselves in the marriage that comes after the wedding are investing in something that really matters. And it will pay serious dividends in the form of contentment, intimacy, support, love, and genuine happiness.
Marriage is more than getting a soul mate. I am not a fan of the soul mate concept of marriage. You see this idea in commercials for certain online dating services. “We will help you find the spouse of your dreams …” they claim. Do I think they should help you find the match of your nightmares? No. But this “I want to marry my soul mate” idea of marriage gets it wrong on two important levels.
First, marriage is not like a shopping trip where we scan the aisles looking for that perfect something we need to complete some need in our life. A spouse is not a consumer product we shop for to fulfill us in just the right way.
Second, marriage is not so much about us and our needs and wishes. The soul mate idea of marriage makes it about us—and turns our spouse into something that suits us, for us. And when this person reveals their human flaws to us in the intimate microscope of marriage, we become prone to wonder if this imperfect person is really the God-given soul mate we thought we were getting. It happened with the first two humans. And it has happened with most couples since.
So should husbands and wives not be soul mates? It is not a question of whether but when! Find any couple successfully married 30 years or more and ask about their spouse as their soul mate. Then ask if their spouse was their soul mate from day one. They will most likely laugh. You see, we don’t marry our soul mate. We marry the person whose soul mate we want to become.
Marriage is more than “happily ever after.” Where have you heard the line “and they lived happily ever after”? It’s not announced by the pastor as the newly-married couple walks down the aisle. We hear it only in fairy tales.
Did I just throw a big cup of cold water in someone’s face about happiness and marriage? Not at all!
Married people tend to be happier on a wide scale of measurements—more so than people who are single, dating, cohabiting, or divorced. Married people enjoy very high levels of happiness. But they don’t enjoy constant happiness.
Marriage is a joy, but it is also hard work. This is one of its strengths. As one man told me about his own marriage, “There are days I feel I could trade my wife for a warm Diet Coke; but those are rare. Most days she is the greatest thing going!”
These less-than-happily-ever-after days make us better people—and make the good days more fulfilling. This is one of the reasons marriage makes us better people: It compels us to hang in there through the rough times and see it through. To try to do better next time.
Marriage is more than about you. Marriage tends to produce more happiness in our lives than any other adult relationship. There is a reason for this. It has to do with the unique nature of marriage—the commitment it demands.
Marriage increases our happiness because marriage is more likely than any other relationship to make us live for others. Marriage keeps doing this in my life. And those who know me best know that I too often fail. It makes me struggle. It makes me work harder to be more giving. But this work also makes me happier.
Marriage had this effect on most of us.
The first chapters of Genesis teach us that the first two humans became husband and wife before they became anything else. This was God’s plan—and delight—for them.
Marriage builds a relationship like no other. It makes a difference. And that difference is very good.
Marriage is more. Don’t settle for less.
Adapted from The Ring Makes All the Difference by Glenn T. Stanton. Published by Moody Publishers. Copyright ©2011 by Glenn T. Stanton. Used with permission

Challenge #82

GOOOOOD MORNING WORLD!!!
After a mandatory vacation, we're back in full effect!
Let's jump right back into it, shall we?

Forgiveness, as we said before, is a funny thing. Even though the phrase "forgive and forget" is extremely popular, most people try to forgive but absolutely refuse to forget! In fact, the phrase "I'll forgive, but I'll never forget" is almost equally popular! But always beg the question: what does God want? What does He desire for us to do?

Two verses come to mind in refernce to these points:

Luke 17:4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.
Philippians 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.

If the Lord says He will forgive us and remember our sins no more (Jeremiah 31:34) and removes our sin from us as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) AND we are to forgive others as we have been forgiven (Matthew 6, Matthew 18, etc.) it seems silly for us to hold onto the past offenses of our spouse.

At some point, we must let go of the past, those things which are behind: things that we couldn't change even if we wanted to, and reach forward to a better future. True forgiveness is something that we all have struggled with at one time or another. But it is something that is mandatory for a healthy, thriving marriage. If you truly desire a better future, don't allow the past to hold you back any longer.

Lifelong Union

Will be moved to the Pastoral Insight page:

God who created man and marriage itself, has laid out His plan for marriage as a lifelong union. God knows this design is the best. When we stray from His plan, the results are damaging on many levels.
Unfortunately, the divorce rate in the church is comparable to that of the culture at large. Many Christians see nothing wrong with divorce, at least in their own particular situation. But the Bible clearly addresses marriage and divorce.
Marriage is the first institution created by God. God made the first man, Adam, but declared that it was not good for Adam to be alone. He then brought to Adam all the animals, which Adam named, but "no companion suitable for him" was found (Read Genesis 2:20). God was revealing to Adam his incomplete nature. God then created a woman, Eve, for Adam. He blessed them and their union and gave them the earth to rule over. (See Genesis 1:27-28.) The creation of marriage occurred prior to sin's entrance into the world. It was a part of God's perfect design for mankind.
Through the prophets, God emphasized three principles:
1. Marriage is sacred
2. God hates divorce
3. Marriage is designed to produce children of good character. (See Malachi 2:13-16)
Jesus underscored the importance and sacredness of lifelong marriage in His own teachings. (See Matthew 19:6.)
The apostle Paul further taught that the marital relationship is to be an ongoing demonstration of the sacrificial love that Christ showed His church. (See Ephesians 5:21-33.)
Specifically, what does the Bible tell us about divorce? Malachi 2:13-16 gives us a clear look into God's heart for marriage:
13And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand.
14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
16For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
I understand that some people have suffered a divorce through no-fault of their own. I understand that some have to get out of an abusive situation or some through a spouses continual infidelity. But most divorces today in the christian community are for selfish reasons that have lasting consequences.
If you are a Christian considering divorce, please pray carefully about your decision, and be open to God's leading. (God's heart is to heal marriages.)
If your spouse is the one deciding on divorce, you may not be able to stop him or her through current divorce laws. However, you can try to persuade your spouse to consider a legal separation first, which would give you both more time to consider the issue.
Pray that God will open the lines of communication between you and your spouse and that He will restore the love in your relationship. And pray for patience and a forgiving spirit. Try to resist the temptation to say angry words to your spouse or do things that would push him or her further away. Restoration does occur even in the most hostile circumstances, but it is more difficult when harsh words have passed between you. Remember, God hates divorce! God Bless!!

Challenge #81

Sharing Family Life's Marriage Memo:

Placing Your Spouse in the "Front Seat" of Your Heart
by Ron L. Deal
God's design for the family begins with marriage laying the foundation for the home. But stepfamilies are at a disadvantage.
Why? Because at the inception of a stepfamily, married couples find it difficult to establish their relationship as the foundation.
After all, parent-child relationships predate the new marriage and are bonded by blood, history, and family identity. When a husband and wife bring children into their new marriage, they often find their marriage is the secondary relationship. And unless they find a way to make the marriage primary, they will experience distress and instability in the home.
“Wait a minute,” you may say. “You mean I have to put my spouse before my children? I understand your point, but they are my flesh and blood.” Comments like these remind me of the stepfather who complained that after two years of marriage he still rides in the back-seat of the car while his wife’s children take turns riding in the front.
The process of establishing the couple as the foundational relationship of the home can feel like a win-lose situation for biological parents and children—the marriage wins, the children lose. But this is not the case. It’s a matter of significance. It’s not that a spouse matters more than children, but rather that a strong marriage relationship contributes more significantly to the stability of the home than any other factor—including the children.
Your children will never suffer neglect because you make a strong commitment to your new spouse. You don’t have to choose between your spouse and your children; when you make your marriage your primary priority, you are actually choosing both. Placing your spouse in the “front seat” of your heart is good for your children, too. In fact, a healthy marriage means safety and protection for children.
Barriers to overcome
Managing this dynamic in a stepfamily is easier said than done. One common barrier is paralyzing guilt: ”I can't do that to my kids. I don't ever want them to think I love my spouse more than I love them.”
Children suffer significantly when a parent dies or their parents divorce; when you feel guilty about what happened, it’s easy to feel a great deal of sympathy for your children. You may try to protect them from stress or from feeling unloved. If a parent becomes paralyzed by this guilt, there is a huge temptation to coddle or side with the child against your spouse.
Unfortunately this both discourages the child to move past his sadness (why would he stop grieving when it rewards him?) and steals your spouse’s authority with the child. Parents cannot afford to allow their own guilt to keep them paralyzed.
A second common barrier is refusing to take risks. When a husband and wife do what is necessary to move their marriage into a place of priority, they need to be willing to withstand the reactions of their children. Children sometimes threaten to spend more time at the other home, or protest changes in the home with anger, or close themselves off to a relationship with the stepparent as a way of discouraging their parent from investing in the marriage.
Another barrier to establishing a solid remarriage is competition for attention and affection. You may feel resentful if your spouse seems to push you away from your children, and vice versa. Stepparents who repeatedly turn everyday circumstances into a “me or them” decision inadvertently push their spouse into a defensive posture in support of their children. This is nothing but trouble.
How can couples establish their relationship as the foundation of the home when children preceded the marriage? Here are some practical tips:
1. Set a regular date night and keep it. Prioritizing time for one another helps your children see the importance you place on your relationship.
2. Strive to trust the heart of your spouse. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward your children even if they complain. Strive to give your spouse equal say in parenting decisions; be a team.
3. Support your spouse in front of your children. Back up your spouse’s decisions and insist that all the children in the household respect those decisions.
4. Affirm your commitment “out loud.” Verbally expressing love to one another in front of the children, hugging in plain sight, and talking about your future together reinforce the permanency of your marriage.
5. Spend one-on-one time with your biological children and remain involved in their activities. This reinforces that they haven’t “lost” you and paradoxically makes their acceptance of your marriage easier.
6. Insist “out loud” that your spouse spend special time with his or her biological children. This communicates that you are not in competition with them.
7. Don’t let your children manipulate you through guilt. It’s natural for children to show signs of stress or anxiety as you “move your spouse into the front seat of your heart.” Be sympathetic but don’t let them manipulate you into taking their side. Just because children hand you a ticket for a guilt-trip doesn’t mean you have to go for the ride!

8. When children challenge the role of the stepparent, respond firmly and with compassion. “You’re just changing the rule because she wants you to,” is a common complaint. Acknowledge the child’s confusion and move forward. “You’re right. Things are different now that Linda and I parent together. And you know if I were you, I’d be upset about this, too. But this is the new rule and I’m in agreement with it, so please abide by it. Let’s go.”

Challenge #80

Listening to a message by Charles Stanley, he spoke about reaping what you sow.
He illustrated that reaping what you sow is a law of the land: everything planted will grow. In the same way that planting the seeds of certain fruits and vegetables will yield exactly what is planted, planting seeds in our lives works the same way. In the same way that we can't expect to grow strawberries by planting beets, we can't expect to grow love and peace by sowing sin. His message wasn't about marriage, but hearing it, I could not help but apply it to marriage. You can listen to the full message here: In Touch

He refers to Galatians 6 which says "⁷Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. ⁸For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. ⁹And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

If you sow anger, resentment, or selfishness into your marriage, you will reap exactly that. But likewise, if you sow patience, love, and forgiveness into your marriage, you will reap exactly that! So the question is: what do you want to develop and grow in your marriage? As he said in his message: "if you don't like what you've been harvesting, change seed bags!"

Today's challenge is to apply these concepts to your marriage by sowing the seed for the fruit of the Spirit. Galatians 5 "²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, ²³Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Challenge #79

Hopefully you have all spent the few minutes it takes to find out your spouse's love language by now. We just want to take a few minutes to share briefly what these languages mean to you according to the author of the Five Love Languages.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

We hope this gives you some insight into how your actions or inactions can potentially affect your spouse and how you can better demonstrate selfless love toward your spouse today!

Challenge #78

A Five Love Languages recommendation on words of affirmation:

Look for your spouse's strengths and tell them how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are they will work hard to live up to their reputation.