Well, well, well!
I received such a positive response regarding yesterday's challenge that I thought it best to issue a do-over! That's right, we're doing it again today!!! Now for those of you who wore yourself out being eager to do for your spouse, this may seem like bad news. But look at it this way, if you wore yourself out yesterday, there shouldn't be as much work left to do today :-) To all the husbands and wives out there following this blog, taking these challenges - I hope you've begun to see a difference in the countenance of your spouse. And even if you haven't, I'm sure they've noticed the difference in you! Continue working diligently to impove the quality of your marriage. Your spouse should receive your best, whether you feel they deserve it or not - God commands it.
So here it is (again):
I find it much easier to ask for help from someone who is eager to help in the first place. That is our challenge today. Be eager to do for your spouse today. Let's discuss what "eager" means so there is no mistake in what's being said here. Eager means "marked by enthusiastic or impatient desire or interest." So be happy and enthusiastic about doing things for your spouse today - show them that you can't wait to do for them!
Whether it's helping with the laundry, cooking a meal, wrangling the children, opening the door for them, whatever you can think of! I literally mean, whatever you can think of. Let's remember that God loves to see us do good for and to our spouse and that He knows our hearts and the reason why we do what we do.
Happy trails!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Challenge #28
Monday, January 30, 2012
Challenge #27
I hope everyone got in some good face-to-face and/or shoulder-to-shoulder time with their spouses this weekend. Finding a new or better way to interact with your spouse should always bring some joy and excitement to your marriage. If you feel you can spend more shoulder-to-shoulder or face-to-face time with your spouse, please do so. One big way that we do shoulder-to-shoulder time around here is home improvement projects. We both love it because it gives us an opportunity to not only improve our home, but to work together in joint effort and see our goals come to fruition. ;-) One way that we do face-to-face time is by putting the children to bed a little earlier on certain nights. Instead of turning the tv on, we just sit and talk and catch up. There doesn't have to be any particular topic; it can be as simple as what's new with you or who have you talked to lately - the point is to narrow the distance and to stay in communication with eachother.
Yesterday I got to thinking about what it is like to rely on someone else when you can't do something on your own. I find it much easier to ask for help from someone who is eager to help in the first place. That is our challenge today. Be eager to do for your spouse today. Let's discuss what "eager" means so there is no mistake in what's being said here. Eager means "marked by enthusiastic or impatient desire or interest." So be happy and enthusiastic about doing things for your spouse today - show them that you can't wait to do for them!Whether it's helping with the laundry, cooking a meal, wrangling the children, opening the door for them, whatever you can think of! I literally mean, whatever you can think of. Let's remember that God loves to see us do good for and to our spouse and that He knows our hearts and the reason why we do what we do.
"So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:7-8
Show your eagerness to be of service to your spouse today. The daily bible verse for today says: “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;” -Ephesians 4:2 Coincidence? I think not.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Weekend Challenge #2
The other day I read a great article taken from Mark and Grace Driscoll's new book, Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. Here's an excerpt:
Three kinds of marriage
In our teaching and counseling, we have seen people respond well to a simple explanation of three kinds of marriages: back-to-back, shoulder-to-shoulder, and face-to-face.
A back-to-back marriage is one in which the couple has turned their backs on each other. As a result, they live separately and do not work together (shoulder-to-shoulder) or draw each other out in friendship (face-to-face). In such marriages the partners range from strangers to enemies, but are not friends.
A shoulder-to-shoulder marriage is one in which the couple works together on tasks and projects, such as keeping the home, raising the kids, growing the business, and serving the church.
A face-to-face marriage is one in which, in addition to the shoulder-to-shoulder work, the couple gets a lot of face-to-face time for conversation, friendship, and intimacy.
As a general rule, women have more friendships than men. And their friendships tend to be more face-to-face. This is because men commonly have shoulder-to-shoulder friendships around shared activity. If they take the time to reflect on whom they have considered friends in different seasons of their life, most men recall boys they played with on a sports team and guys they worked with on a job. But they often know very little about these guys they called friends, because their tasks consumed their time and conversation, as they talked about the task in front of them rather than the emotion between them.
Conversely, women's friendships tend to be face-to-face and built around intimate conversation. This explains why women do the sorts of things with other women that men do not do with other men, such as going out to lunch or coffee just to talk, sharing deep intimate feelings while looking each other in the face without a task bringing them together.
A word to husbands and wives
Wives, to be a good friend, learn to spend some time with your husband in shared activity. If he's watching a sporting event, sit down and share it with him. If he's working on a project, hang out nearby to help or at least ask questions and be a companion if nothing else. If he's going fishing, ask if you can come sit in the boat with him just to be in his world. For a wife to build a friendship with her husband requires shoulder-to-shoulder time alongside him.
Husbands, to be a good friend to your wife, learn to have deeper and more intimate conversations. Open up, telling your wife how you're doing and asking her how she is doing. Listen without being distracted by technology or a task (put your cell phone away), but instead focus on her, looking her in the eye for extended periods of time. Draw her out emotionally, and allow her to draw you out emotionally. Keep your advice to a minimum and learn to listen, empathize, comfort, encourage, and in so doing resist the constant male urge to find a problem and try and fix it. No wife likes feeling like a problem to be fixed rather than a person who wants to be intimate. For her, intimacy means “into-me-see," which means she wants to know her husband and be known by him. For a husband to build a friendship with his wife requires him growing in face-to-face skills. Intimacy is ultimately about conversing. As an old proverb says, “The road to the heart is the ear."
This weekend's challenge: Husbands, spend some face-to-face time with your wife; wives, spend some shoulder-to-shoulder time with your husband!
Challenge #26
Even if the task that came to mind was too big to complete yesterday, hopefully you at least put a dent in it to show some progress towards completion! Our spouses need to be able to rely on us - to believe that when we say we are going to do something, we will actually do it. Do not be the kind of spouse that gives lip service to buy time or 'get her/him off your back.' You shouldn't have to "promise" that you will do something to get your spouse (or anyone else for that matter) to believe that you will actually get it done. Remember to "let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay" James 5:12 When you say you will do something, keep your word. This is an essential component to building trust in your marriage.
It's Friday people! This has to be one of the best days of the week! When work is done, the long-awaited weekend begins - and let's not forget it's probably pay day again too :-) Sometimes we have rough weeks - at work or at school or at home. If you and/or your spouse have had a rough week, I urge you: DO NOT let this carry over into the weekend. Most of us have the weekends off and therefore this makes up the vast majority of time that we spend with our spouses. Therefore, start your weekend off right today.
That rough week you had, put it behind you. It's over. There is not one thing we can do to change even one small detail about yesterday. It's gone. Today is a new day and tomorrow will be as well. Today can be different if you allow it to be. It can even be better! And so can tomorrow. But you have to let go of yesterday first. Holding onto yesterday will not help you in any way. I'm sure I've said this before, but it bears repeating: don't ruin today with yesterday's problems. Be sure to make peace with your spouse today and start your weekend off right. There is no shame in being the one to humble yourself to resolve any issue in your marriage, small or large. You don't "lose" when you do this - you win, you and your spouse both do. Jesus Himself said "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." Matthew 5:9 I don't see any shame in that!
Our lives are but a vapor, we don't have time to waste.
I will be posting the Weekend Challenge later this evening because I realize that many of you are in different time zones than we are here.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Challenge #25
How did yesterday's challenge go?
Don't act like you guys don't know what a backside insult is! It's a backward "compliment," something like "I love those rare occasions when you don't have an attitude" or "I appreciate when you remember to take out the trash." I hope you all shared lists that contained your spouse's actual qualities!
Is there something that you have been neglecting to do? Is there something that your spouse has requested of you or that you have already committed to doing but for whatever reason, just have not gotten around to it yet? Put forth every effort to resolve this today.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Challenge #24
Was anyone bold enough to take yesterday's challenge?
I will give you all some insight into my experiences with it in the past. Each time I did this, I took mental notes and when we were done discussing it, I went and made a physical list. I still have them years later, in fact, I keep them in my wallet. Every now and then, I go back and look over them to remind myself not to be neglectful of those things.
Here are some examples of the things on my lists:
1. Listen
2. Try to be understanding
3. Be supportive
4. See the good in me
5. Find a better way to say things
6. Enjoy being around me
7. Enjoy who I really am
8. Be positive & say positive things
9. Have less distractions
10. Pay more attention to me
As I have completed this challenge, my lists have become shorter and shorter because I have strived to fulfill my spouse's desires in the areas specified during our discussions. That is my hope for you all!Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Challenge #23
Was yesterday's challenge a doozy or what?
Some of you may have read my comment in which I said that was a lesson that I learned the hard way. I can tell you first hand, the "little things" (as we may view them at the time) can drive a big wedge between you and your spouse. A friend of mine said yesterday that we need to be in healthy relationships with our friends, how very true. I want to take that a step further and say that we need to be in godly relationships with our friends. Let your relationships with people be both Christ and spouse honoring.
I'm just going to be upfront with you about today's challenge. Some of you aren't ready to take it. Period. To take this challenge, you really have to come out of "yourself" and by that I mean, you have to set your feelings and opinions and especially your sensitivity aside. As a person who has completed this challenge multiple times throughout the years, I know - it can hurt. But I also know, it can truly help if you actually do it! And that is the only reason that I am giving it to you all today.Now that it's out there, know this: you can NOT control your spouse's answer(s) to this question. Not in any way, shape, or form. You also can't control how sweetly or condescendingly they give the responses. So to do this may take thick skin, depending on your marriage. This also takes a willingness to truly know what your spouse desires from you. And once you know it, you can't un-know it. And it would be unwise to ignore it.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Challenge #22
Good morning and happy Monday everyone!
How did your weekend of flirting go? I trust everyone had a fun time ;-)
We're going to start this week off right - well technically, we did yesterday, but I mean the work week!
This morning I got to thinking about inappropriate friendships and I thought to myself that we could not be the only married couple who has encoutered this issue - surely every husband and wife has at some point in their marriage. After all, we all started off as single individuals before we decided to couple up. And invariably, there were those friendships/relationships that held on past their expiration date! I'm laughing to myself as I write this because I'm saying this in the most tactful way that I know how.
I believe the majority of husbands and wives have had or maybe still have relationships with members of both sexes that may be to the great disdain of their spouse. Whether it's that co-worker that's overly friendly, that classmate that secretly had a crush on you (or vice versa), or the childhood friend that your spouse just simply does not feel comfortable with - I strongly urge you to re-evaluate your "friendship."
Now let's be clear: am I saying that men and women can't be friends with members of the opposite sex when they are married? No. What I am saying is that any friendship of this kind must be in accord with God's will and in absolute respect of your spouse. What does that mean? 1 Thessalonians 5:22 tells us that we should "Abstain from all appearance of evil." So if it looks bad for you to be going out to lunch alone with your single co-worker, you probably want to steer clear of that. If it looks bad for your single friend who had a crush on you in high school to be texting you, you probably want to steer clear of that too!
What else does it mean? It also means be careful of the company you keep! There are many scriptures and sayings about friendship, but the idea I wish to convey is simply stated in "birds of a feather flock together." Do you have single friends who are only interested in seeking the next thrill, regardless of how it may negatively affect or even hurt others and even themselves? Yes, I mean that friend that wants to hang out at the club or bar, drink, do drugs, sleep around, etc. because to them that is a "good time." Married ladies and gentlemen, think of how this type of behavior will affect your spouse. Maybe it is even that married friend who still acts like he or she is single, knowing that they have a husband or wife at home! Are you hanging around with them to be a witness to them? If that's what you tell yourself, ask yourself if you have to actually hang out with them to be a witness to them and when you do hang out, are you even witnessing to them?? Do you condone what they do? Remember that silence is often viewed as agreement.
Today's challenge is four-fold. First, re-evaluate your friendships. Do you have relationships that God does not approve of? Do you have friendships that your spouse is not comfortable with? Second, if you do, create strong boundaries for these friendships - boundaries that are in honor of God and in respect of your spouse. A true friend will respect your spouse and your decision! If these boundaries cannot be put in place for whatever reason or if these boundaries are broken, eliminate the "friendship" altogether. Third, apologize to your spouse. For either not seeing or disregarding how this/these particular friendship(s) have been hurtful or disrespectful to them. Ask their forgiveness and accept it gratefully. And fourth, repent of this. Ask God to show you any other ways or areas of your life that have driven a wedge between you and your spouse or between Him and yourself.Saturday, January 21, 2012
The Weekend Challenge!
The weekends aren't like the other days of the week. We spend a great deal more time with our spouses on the weekend because (hopefully) no one is working. Due to the high increase in the amount of time spent face to face with your spouse on off days, these challeneges will be specifically designed for just such an occasion. We saw this idea last week in Challenge #16 and truthfully, Challenge #10 should have been a weekend challenge as well. I may change the numbers to identify with this, but I'm not sure yet - I don't want to confuse anyone lol!
Warning: flirtatious behavior may lead to sex.
Obviously don't let that stop you! This excerpt is from the Love Dare: "you will enjoy the pure delight that flows when sex is done for all the right reasons. And if that's not enough, you will also have the opportunity to "glorify God in your body" (1 Corinthians 6:20). How beautiful."
Friday, January 20, 2012
Challenge #21
By now, many of you have figured out that it takes hard work to have a strong marriage. If you're exhausting yourself to complete the challenges, you may be going about them all wrong. To love the way we are trying to love (unconditionally) requires the power of God. Without it, you can't do it. Period.
We discover this idea in 1 John 4 "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us."
That being said, have you guys heard this analogy of the triangle? The idea is that you and your spouse are in the two bottom corners of the triangle. God is at the top. As you grow closer to God, you grow closer to oneanother. This is the only way to have a truly successful marriage. Strengthening your personal relationship with God, you can't go wrong!
Today's challenge is both simple and extraordinary.
Pray for your spouse today.
Pray for his or her well-being; their spiritual walk, their heart, their soul, everything about them. Pray for their protection and pray for your marital relationship. What better way is their to demonstrate love for your spouse than to lay them before God in prayer? I can't think of one, can you?
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Challenge #20
So who gave in? What did you agree to do or allow your spouse to do? Did anyone give away some alone time? How about a vacation - anyone commit to going on vacation? Lol! I joke, but these simple things may be that little extra nudge in the right direction - that thing that your spouse desires from you that has been neglected over the years. Stay in tune with your spouse's desires. I can promise you - it's much more difficult to neglect the things that you are completely aware of than it is to neglect the things you are oblivious to.
Today's challenge is about selfishness. I started to write this one super early in the wee hours of the morning because it was weighing on my heart so heavily. How many times have you called your spouse selfish? How many times have you just thought it? I can admit that for myself, the number is innumerable. We call or think of our spouses as selfish for not doing the things that we want them to do or for not putting us first. The reality is that we are all guilty of this. We are all guilty of not putting our spouses first. Whether it's a little or a lot, it doesn't matter - we are guilty.
We justify this selfishness by telling ourselves things like, well my wife/husband doesn't put me first... or well, if he/she would just do this or that, then I would put him/her first. This method of reasoning is inherently flawed. We can NOT base our action (or inaction) on the actions (or inaction) of our spouse! We have to get out of this box people!!! We have to break the cycle. Otherwise, it will be neverending cycle of one selfish act after another.
So how do we do it? How do we break the cycle? We break the cycle through love. We behave unselfishly no matter what our spouse does or doesn't do. That is the essence of agape - unconditional love. Love that says I love you no matter what. Isn't that what we're all seeking? Isn't that what we all want? Someone to love us through good and bad, right or wrong, through ups and downs, no matter what??? If that's what you desire, why would you ever think that your spouse desires anything less? If that's what you desire, then how can you offer anything less to your spouse? Don't ask for anything more than what you yourself are willing to give. And if you're willing to give it, prove it. Show it. Right now. Stop waiting for your spouse to do "blank" and change "blank." If you want love from your spouse, give it away to them freely and without conditions.
Today's challenge is to repent of (turn away from) your selfishness. Admit to your spouse that you have been selfish, because we all have. There is not one among us who always does what is best for their spouse first. I wish there were, but the truth of the matter is that there is not. There are times when we try to, and there are times when we neglect to or just give up altogether. Confess this to your spouse, that you haven't always put them first or done what is in their best interest. But you are putting forth the effort to change this here and now - today. Ask their forgiveness and love them with the love that you so greatly desire to have.
1 Corinthians 7:3 instructs us to"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband." Benevolence is defined as a disposition (or prevailing tendency) to do good, acts of kindness, and a generous gift. This is what is due or owed to your spouse, simply because of their position as your spouse - who he/she is: your husband or wife. Don't neglect to fulfill this.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Challenge #19
Tell the truth: did your spouse wonder what was up with you yesterday? If you received any questions or comments along the lines of 'what are you so happy about?' that's a good thing! That means you kept a positive attitude and you let it show in your expression. Keep up the good work! I know it's not easy to keep a positive attitude, much less keep a smile on your face through every circumstance.
Today's challenge is about putting your spouse before yourself.
Ephesians 5:21 says that we are to live "submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." This is a mutual submission that esteems another's wishes before your own - as long as it is in accord with what is in the fear of (in other words "pleasing to") God.