Challenge #38 Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

A friend of mine shared an awesome write up with me yesterday that I would like to share with you all:

"When thinking about what to write about in relation to Valentine’s Day, I started thinking about agape love and did some searching and found this: Holman’s Bible Dictionary defines agape love as "Unselfish, loyal, and benevolent concern for the well-being of another."

Agape is, in contrast, a learned love, not something that is natural with mankind. Agape love is not possible unless the Spirit of God is living and working in a person. Without God’s work on the heart and the actions, no person can rise to love all others as Jesus did.

Agape is not easy. We have to submit to the Spirit and allow the Spirit to nurture in our nature the ability to show patience and long-suffering. Disciples can be ugly, unlovable, demanding, challenging and cantankerous, but agape sees beyond those character flaws to the eternal soul of another redeemed person.

This Valentine’s Day let’s focus on the true love, the agape love of the Bible and not on the man made tradition telling us what love is and should be and look like. The Bible tells us what true agape love is.

1. "Agape has to do with the mind: it is not simply an emotion which rises unbidden in our hearts; it is a principle by which we deliberately live. Agape has supremely to do with the will."
2. It is not an uncontrolled reaction of the heart, but a concentrated exercise of the will.
3. It is a caring love one which becomes involved with the need of others.
4. It is does not depend upon the one being loved having to earn such love.
5. It is not an exclusive love expressed only to select few, but an all-embracing benevolence, shown toward all."

Today's challenge is to show your spouse that you love them in a way that you know they will enjoy and appreciate, regardless of what day it is!!! Strive to show your husband/wife that you love them every single day of your life.

On Divorce

(Will be moved to the Pastoral Insight page)

Tomorrow, February 14, about six o'clock in the evening my best friend and I will have 42 years of marriage behind us. We've experienced both the smooth sailing and the bumps on the road. We've hit some pretty big bumps on the marriage road but thanks be to God, we've held together. She is the love of my life and I treasure the time we are together. I can't imagine life without her.

For the last few years I've read statistics on marriage and divorce that says 50% of all marriages end in divorce. One statistician has written that 53% of all marriages are ending in divorce. There is no doubt in my mind that we give up on marriage too quickly in this country. Whether you are a man or woman, you should only walk out the door if you can honestly say, I have tried everything to reconcile with my spouse. If you have done everything you can do; you've gone to counseling, you've prayed together, you've talked to your pastor, you've talked to and received counsel from trusted friends, you've listened to the advice of treasured brothers and sisters, you've submitted to the voice of God in your situation, you've read books, and you've done all you can do to change, when your child asks, "Why did I have to grow up without you," you'll have more to say than, "We just weren't having fun anymore." You need to be able to look them in the eye and say, We did all we could do to make our relationship work and decided that the best gift we could give you is to live separately in peace. Remaining in constant agreement on one thing; we would continue to give you all the love and support you required to live, grow and enter into the destiny for which God has called you. If you can't say all these things then you're not ready for divorce.

Of course, no body is ever or should ever be ready for divorce. Malachi 2:16 says:

"For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away (divorce): for one covereth his garment with violence, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously." In

Matthew 19: 3-9 Jesus explains why:

"The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."

In other words, marriage is a sacred covenant. When a man and woman agree, in love and before God, to be bound to one another in marriage; God binds them in supernatural mystery. Two hearts beat as one, two bodies become one flesh, and two paths become one journey. In the Old Testament marriage was a picture of God's love for His people and in the New Testament it is a picture of Christ's love for the church. God hates divorce because as Malachi says, it covers a perfect body of love with a garment of violence.

Jesus goes on to say that Moses made a concession for divorce because of the hardness of our hearts; because we are naturally selfish, unable to keep promises never mind uphold covenants, prone to unforgiveness and ignorant of the power and beauty of sacrificial love. Divorce was allowed for the sake of peace and the avoidance of sexual immorality that would bring disgrace on Gods people and make them ineffective in their mission to be His light-bearers to the world.

He goes on to say that from the beginning it was meant to be forever. It should not be entered into lightly because to end it was to declare to all that God's miracle of creating one flesh, His gifts of love and forgiveness, His call to mutual submission and most importantly His commission to model for the world His love for His people and Christ's love for the church is of less importance than your freedom from your marriage. He finishes with the stern warning to consider divorce very carefully because except in cases of sexual immorality there could only be one divorce...there could only one marriage; all else was adultery.

Divorce needs to be the last option and the hardest decision you ever make and not the easy procedure our culture has made it. Whether or not you believe there is forgiveness for the divorcing spouse or there is modern-day provision for future relationships after divorce; God hates divorce! Maybe we should pay more attention to the words we hear at almost every wedding: "what God has joined together let no man put (split) asunder!" God Bless!

Challenge #37 Valentine's Day Advice

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day and while it is not a particularly special day to us here at The Marriage Challenge, that doesn't mean that it is not a special day for the couples who follow our blog! That being said, here's a link to the 10 worst V-Day gifts courtesy of Match.com: http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspxcpp=/cppp/yahoo/article.html&articleid=5928&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1016615
Take this advice with a grain of salt, realizing that you know your spouse and his or her preferences better than anyone else, as I did not feel all the opinions stated applied in reference to our particular marriage.

Having just read what was written in the previous paragraph, I know some of you were thinking "yeah, I don't care about Valentine's Day either!" And that's all well and good, but does your spouse? That is the question! Remember, we are attempting to express our love for them through selflessness. If Valentine's Day is a holiday that your spouse enjoys or admires, then please make it a point to honor that. There is absolutely nothing worse than believing that any day (birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day) is a "special day" only to have your spouse treat it like it's not. If your spouse digs V-Day, treat it like a special day in reverence of him/her.

If your wife love flowers, please do go out and buy her a bouquet of her favorite flowers. I know they're way over priced before V-Day, but still. Nothing's too good for your wife! And please notice that I said "her favorite." You have to know her favorite to get her favorite. Maybe there is a flower that she likes better than a red rose; some of you have never even bothered to ask. But don't stop at flowers husbands! If Valentine's Day is a special day to your wife, then put forth a sincere effort to make it a special day for her. I know we have done many things to express our love for our spouse that have been excellent ideas for things you could do on V-Day. Fortunately for you, you've been showing your love in so many ways already, her love bank is probably already full - so V-Day will be the icing on the cake. But it wouldn't hurt to repeat some challenges tomorrow, such as calling her to let her know you're thinking about her, meeting her for lunch, writing her a letter, or telling her how much she means to you or why you love her. Maybe just some quality time or some alone time, child free is in order. If you can arrange this, make it happen! Oh, and most women love cards - try to pick one that illustrates how you really feel about her, put some thought into it.

Now ladies, I know it's a little trickier for you. Some of your husbands love Valentine's Day and you may not even know it! Here's a hint: if your husband goes out of his way for you on V-Day, he probably likes V-Day just as much as you do. First and foremost, if he gets you a gift that you don't particularly care for, be gracious in accepting it and thank him earnestly - some people are not fortunate enough to have a husband as thoughtful as yours :-) Also, I know gift giving is especially difficult when shopping for a man, but try to consider who your spouse is and what you know about his preferences. For instance, if your husband doesn't wear shirts with collars often, you probably don't want to buy him a tie... If he really likes lingerie and you're game enough to buy some and follow through with wearing it, then go for it. Women find it cliche to receive lingerie because, let's be honest with ourselves here, when husbands buy their wives lingerie, it's really a gift for them as well. But, wives if you're going to go that route (as most husband's will NOT find this gift to be cliche) take into consideration something you think that he would like for V-Day. We're all adults here, right lol! But again, don't stop there ladies! It'd be a nice gesture for you to repeat some challenges as well. Cooking a favorite meal, taking care of some business, asking how you can be of service, etc. Or maybe your husband also just wants some quality time, child free, and your undivided attention.

There are two points I'm trying to make here:
1) Honor your spouse and their preferences. If Valentine's Day is important to your spouse, allow it to be important to you because your spouse is important to you - you want to show your husband/wife that you not only love them, but you care about what's important to them
2) Be creative and consider your spouse's preferences! The best gifts are those that are sincere and from the heart - the one's that say "I know who you are and I love you!"

Weekend Challenge #4

Put forth a valiant effort to spend either some face-to-face or shoulder-to-shoulder time with your spouse this weekend.
For more information on this, see Weekend Challenge #2 by clicking on the link below:
http://themchallenge.blogspot.com/2012/01/weekend-challenge-2.html

Challenge #36

We could all use a helping hand every now and again and it's nice to receive some much needed assistance from the one closest to you. We should seek to lighten the load of our spouse whenever possible. If we can do anything to help them, we should put forth a sincere effort to do so. The more you do for your spouse, the more you do for you because the two of your are one flesh and you are meant to love him/her as yourself. Continue to lovingly nurture your most precious earthly relationship.

Onto today's challenge! Is it at all possible for you to meet your spouse for lunch today? If so, make plans to do so today! If not, give your spouse a call during lunch to let them know that you're thinking about them and can't wait to spend time with them later today.

Challenge #35

:-) I trust everyone had a nice night. If you or your spouse's love language is physical touch, physical contact is high on the list of wants/needs to feel closeness, intimacy, and of course love. From the 5 Love Languages:

"This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive."

One thing I will say about the quote above: Sometimes, people who have physical touch as one of their love languages are not "very touchy." Physical touch may convey to them all of the positive feelings and emotions above and they may greatly enjoy, respond to, and desire physical touch, but they still may not be "very touchy" themselves. Keep this in mind when considering your spouse in particular. We will be learning more about the 5 Love Languages in the upcoming weeks!

For today's challenge, call your spouse and ask them if there is anything that you can do to make their day a little easier. And don't just ask, but offer to do it. "Would you like me to...?" "Can I help by...?" Sometimes asking if there is anything you can do doesn't mean as much as offering specifics. The latter shows that you put some thought into how you could truly help to improve their day!

Challenge #34

I trust everyone found the time to write their spouse a letter yesterday? And if you're a part of an MLS couple, I hope that you mailed or emailed that letter to your spouse yesterday! I think it's safe to say that we all want to hear loving words from our spouses - we all want to hear how they feel about us, where we stand, and that we are loved. I'm sure that with Valentine's Day so rapidly approaching, anyone with a tv or the internet has seen the new Hallmark commercial. If not, I've included it below:



They have one thing right: everyone has something they want to hear. But in reality, we don't just want to hear it. We want to know it and we want to feel it. We're not big Valentine's Day supporters over here - I should get that out of the way. What we are big on is showing your love in some way on a daily basis. It is not only possible, but it makes for better marriages.

Today's challenge will be physical. It's up to you to decide what your spouse would prefer and it is preferable that you not ask them before initiating - but if you must, feel free. When you or your spouse or both get(s) home (I can't possibly know how you all arrive home lol), give him or her a massage. It can be foot, back, shoulder, head, etc. The point is not to ask them if they would like one because most will say no because they don't want to inconvenience you or for you to go out of your way, or you're probably tired yourself and blah blah blah - so many reasons for you not to do it. Just take the initiative and do it. There's no time limit, but I am recommending at least five minutes. And if you really want to go all out, light a candle and/or break out the lotion or oil. If you or your spouse's love language is physical touch, this should make for an enjoyable experience for both of you!

Challenge #33

Good morning everyone! Because it is still a good morning no matter what's going on around you right? You are alive today with another opportunity to give glory to God and show loving kindness to your spouse (and others)! Often times, a warm welcome is taken for granted because we get so used to our wives/husbands meeting us outside to help us with our things or unlocking and opening the door for us as we arrive. Please try not to take these simple things for granted ladies and gentlemen. Encourage your spouse by showing your appreciation for the little things they do for you.

Today's challenge, I've been saving for a while. I knew it would be a challenge eventually and today seems like a good day to do it. Today's challenge is to write your spouse a letter. Tell them how glad you are you married them and why. Also express your commitment to them as your life partner and tell them how much you love them. Don't just write it, make sure that they receive it.

Challenge #32

Did you notice anything during your time spent keeping a positive attitude last week? Know this: happiness is a choice. To have joy is a choice. In the same way that to love someone is a choice. I hope you have all realized that at any point in time you can choose happiness. You can choose to respond to adversity with positivity. And you can choose to treat your spouse (and others) with loving kindness - at any point. There are no restrictions to this. The only restrictions come from within yourself. Don't be fooled into thinking that you can't be happy. Don't be fooled into believing that you can't have joy. And certainly don't be fooled into believing that you can't choose love at any given moment in your life. In the same way that you chose to keep a positive attitude - because it was a challenge, because you're competitive, because you're not a quitter, for whatever reason - you can choose to demonstrate true unconditional love from your heart.

Two things I heard from dear friends come to mind as I write this. The first is this: you can't overflow if you're not full. I'm using this to illustrate that if you are not filled with love, you can not possibly let it overflow to others. You have to have an abundance to overflow, so choose to love abundantly. The second is this: JOY = Jesus first, Others next, You last. You must have your priorities straight. If you don't remember anything else, remember this. Go to the Source, be filled, and overflow.

Today's challenge will be much easier than our last challenge. Today, whenever you see your spouse, greet them in an affectionate and loving way. Show them that you are happy and/or excited to see them. Let them know through your greeting that your reunion with them is the highlight of your day.

Challenge #31 & Weekend Challenge #3

How'd it go? You didn't cheat and just start and end whenever you felt like it, did you? :-)
I hope you saw some positive results from your positive attitude! Can you imagine if we had a positive outlook all the time? I'll tell you a little secret about myself: I try to do this every day. Does that mean I succeed daily? No. But do I fail daily? No! Most days, I am able to sustain my positive attitude and my days are bright because of it. Not only that, but I like to think I bring a little brightness to family and friends as well!

How would you all feel about making this our weekend challenge for this week?
If love thinks no evil... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things - it sounds like love is not only positive, but powerful! I think we should keep this going you guys. I mean really, what do you have to lose? Besides a bad mood, a bad attitude, some pride, and a little selfishness to name a few?!

Remember, stay positive!
See you all Monday.

Challenge #30

Here we are at challenge number thirty! I realize we have had more than thirty challenges, including the weekend challenges and the seminar, but nevertheless - Challenge #30! They say it takes 30 days (or less) to form a habit. I hope by now, many of you who were with us from the beginning have formed a habit of demonstrating selfless love toward your spouse. I hope that each challenge is not just a "one-day" thing to each of you, but that you challenge yourself to remember to use many of the skills you've learned every single day. No one knows your spouse better than you do - you have seen what your spouse responds to and what they do not - use this information wisely.

Were you able to complete yesterday's prayer challenge? If not, go back to it and put forth every effort possible to complete it, remembering that we have already learned that agape love is not possible without the power of God.

Today I was thinking: there really is power in positivity. The same way a negative attitude can bring down everyone around you, a positive attitude can uplift! Be positive for the rest of the day. When circumstances arise, which they inevitably will, remain positive anyway. Let nothing cause a negative thought to enter your mind, or a negative word to exit your mouth - and if they do, dismiss them quickly. Try keeping this positive attitude for the next 24 hours, at minimum.

"A positive attitude is not a feeling but an underlying outlook we have toward people and toward life. It represents a hope and faith that is rooted within our hearts."

Challenge #29

Wow! So did you notice a positive response from your spouse the last two days or what?! I know some of you did! That is so awesome!!! Keep up the good work my friends - a happy marriage is possible! And I suppose I should have warned you that when you are eager to please, help, assist, support, etc. - you will find more ways for you to do so, and so will your spouse lol!

Today's challenge is taken out of The Power of a Praying Husband. It was just too good not to share with you all. Many times, husbands and wives alike don't realize or take into consideration what a huge impact their words and actions have in the lives of their spouse. For better or worse, consider yourself the most influential person in your spouse's life. And if you're not, you should be - for the better!

Pray this prayer with your spouse today. If, and only if, your spouse refuses to pray with you, pray it yourself:

Lord, I pray that You would establish in me and (your spouse's name) bonds of love that cannot be broken. Show me how to love my wife/husband in an ever-deepening way that s/he can clearly recognize. May we have mutual respect and admiration for each other so that we become and remain one another's greatest friend, champion, and unwavering support. Where love has been diminished, lost, destroyed, or buried under hurt and disappointment, put it back in our hearts. Give us strength to hold on to the good in our marriage, even in those times when one of us doesn't feel love.

This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12