Seminar Part 6

I am going to put this lesson in three different posts because I want you to read all three over and over and over until you understand each. Then there will be an awareness exercise. In this post, I am going to give you the first of four rules of a winning game. So hang on and let's get going!

1. STOP DOING WHATEVER YOU'VE BEEN DOING SO FAR THAT DID NOT WORK. (Check the list in the past post)

"Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall"

(Proverbs 16:18). "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." – Rita Mae Brown

Even by just stopping whatever you've been doing before and not doing anything else instead, you will produce positive results. Easier said than done, you say. Well, it takes some thinking, practice and faith to become aware of your actions, to catch yourself in the act, to break the habit of being and living on automatic.

Here is another awareness exercise: Just notice when you have the urge to react, when your buttons are pushed and then when you find the reasons and justifications to react in one of the ways mentioned in the prior post. You may even react and not be able to stop yourself at first. It is very important though, that you become aware of your knee-jerk reactions to your spouse's actions, words, and even to your own thoughts. Read this two more times. Read it again after every conversation with your spouse that sounded confrontational and left you with a somewhat bitter taste in your mouth.

In order to take step number two you always want to be aware of two concepts. They will help you be real and authentic and deal with confronting situations with more power, grace and self-confidence.

Challenge #9

Was everyone able to spend some quality time with their spouse sometime yearterday? Our society is so plagued (yet blessed lol) with so many luxuries, we often don't realize what a distraction they can become to us. It's nice every once in a while to just turn them all off and enjoy the serenity of peace and quiet! Remember this: most spouses do not view zoning out in front of the t.v. as quality time. Try to spend more time engaging with eachother, and less time engaged with various devices!

Now, today's challenge is a difficult one, mostly because it is perpetual.
Today's challenge is about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It is not something that you can do once and forget about it. I wish it was! I wish we could forgive like God who remembers our sins no more (Hebrews 8:12, 10:17). But unfortunately, we are human. Many times, when we forgive, we later remember what had offended us and become upset all over again! That is when we have to remind ourselves that we have already forgiven these offenses and resolve to keep them forgiven and in the past where they belong!

1 Corinthians 13 says love "thinketh no evil." Some translations state this as love "keeps no record of wrongs." Today's challenge is to do away with the mental list of your spouse's wrongs that you've been keeping. Burn it in your mind and resolve never to revisit it again.

Don't ruin today with yesterday's problems!

Seminar Part 5

After you completed the last exercise, you might have noticed that certain things do not work because you cannot control the behavior of your husband/wife. No matter what you think, you cannot have control over the other person. You never have and you never will. Only by changing your own behavior (remember the one that so far has not worked) will cause them to change in the way you want them to, in the way that you can love them and that they can love you. In fact they are not going to "change,"they will only start exhibiting their "good" side: the one that has always been there, the one that you loved in the first place. So, like with any other teamwork, in this marriage recovery class you will focus on what YOU can do and who YOU can be in and for this marriage.

 

The first thing to realize is that a marriage is for the most part a game. Now, you may be resistant to the notion of playing any games whatsoever. The marriage for you should not be a game at all, but a natural outcome of the affection for each other or a similar notion. And, I cannot agree more. Nevertheless, the reality is that you have been playing a game all along even if you thought that you hadn't. You've only played it by the "rules" that you "invented." This is by no means a casual game, but a game nevertheless. The rules of the game in this daily class or post guarantee that THERE ARE NO LOSERS. WHEN YOU WIN, EVERYONE WINS. The only way you can lose is if you stop playing by the rules you're learning here, and start playing a different game, the game that you've always played – and lost.

 

More tomorrow, God Bless!

Challenge #8

I hope everyone was able to complete yesterday's challenge successfully!

Perhaps your spouse did not even notice that you took care of something for them yesterday - or if they did, they didn't say anything about it. That's alright! We are not completing these challenges to receive pats on the back from our spouses. We are completing these challenges to demonstrate love through selflessness to our spouses. As long as we remember that as our goal, we will be successful at improving the quality of our marriages.

Onto today's challenge!
Romans 12:10 tells us to "Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;"

Let's apply this to our spouses and show them that we prefer them today! While you and your spouse are at home, turn off the t.v., shut down the computer, put away your Ipads and smart phones. Give your spouse your undivided attention as much as possible today!

Seminar Part 4

(Will be moved to Seminar page)

So let's do some work now. Since you're been reading these post and treating them as marriage counseling classes, I am going to presume that you have been doing everything in your power to save your marriage and you have not exactly succeeded. I'm sure that you did your best. Now, you may not know what to do next or, you do know that you've tried everything and there is nothing else you can do. Don't jump to conclusions just yet. First of all lets see what you've been doing. What strategies and behaviors have you tried so far? Here are some examples. See which ones you can recognize as yours.

explaining…reasoning…pressuring…being depressed...more "loving"
promising change…threatening…begging…whining…bribing…arguing blaming…justifying…asking…pleading…avoiding…reassuring...dominating
avoiding being dominated…being in therapy and/or counseling…hoping
expecting them to change…expecting something…being in a bad mood and/or depressed…moralizing…throwing fits and tantrums…pushing...being angry having expectations…being a victim…complaining…swearing…judging...making them wrong…being disrespectful condescending...seeking help from friends, etc.

I am sure you can find your actions among these and feel free to add your own. Here's another awareness exercise: Underline the ones that sound familiar, then think for a moment and try to remember what outcomes you've achieved so far with the strategies and behaviors you have been using. It may help if you write them down. (Be honest) If you have concluded that everything you have tried so far has not really worked, that there has been no major shift in the quality of your marriage, and now you don't know what you could possibly do more or differently, don't despair, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Challenge #7 - The Golden Rule

Did you tell your husband or wife that you were thinking about them yesterday? :-)
How did he or she react? Were they pleasantly surprised or did they behave indifferently? If you did not receive a reaction or received a less than favorable reaction, I encourage you to prayerfully consider the reasons behind their response. More in depth consideration is likely necessary. Don't put it off.

"And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." Luke 6:31

This is the scriptural reference to the phrase known by many as "do unto others..." also know as "The Golden Rule." We can apply this to all people and areas of our lives, but today, we are specifically going to apply this to our spouses. For today's challenge, we are going to demonstrate our love for our spouses through action.

Today, do something that your spouse would normally be the one to take care of so that they don't have to today. Big or small doesn't matter, we're performing a simple act of service. Bathe a kid, take out the trash, mow the lawn, pay a bill - whatever! Sky's the limit so be creative!!! Just be sure to commit yourself to doing this today!

Seminar Part 3

Wives, I am going to share this awareness exercise with you today: Notice when you talk about your husband to others. What is it that you are saying? Are you complaining about him? What are you justifying? Are you looking for agreement? How would you react if your family and friends did not agree with your point of view? Notice that the more you talk about your husband's shortcomings, the more real they become, especially if you get the agreement. Consider that by complaining you are digging a deeper and deeper grave for your marriage.

Challenge #6

Did you remember to thank your spouse yesterday? If not, do it today! Certainly we can find something to appreciate them for daily!

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8

What a simple thing to do, yet it means so much! Positive thoughts not only lead to a positive outlook on life (and love) but to positive actions as well. Remind yourself of all the good that your spouse brings into your life and how blessed you are to have a lifelong companion, after all - many do not. Have you or your spouse (or both) returned to work today? Today's challenge is to let your spouse know that you are thinking about them while you are apart. Whether it's a text, a short email, or a phone call - just let them know that even though you have returned to business as usual and in spite of the busyness of life, they are never far from your mind or your heart.

Friends & Family

(Will be moved to The Seminar page)

"Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband"(Ephesians 5:33).

I want to share something about your family and friends. Our family and friends often try to help us resolve the differences with our spouses. How often do they succeed? Rarely. They most likely have not taken marriage classes either. In times of conflict with your husband/wife (who is now quickly becoming your enemy) your family and friends "support you" by basically taking your side. That's what family does and that's what friends are for. The way they see it is as a friend's duty to "take your side" in an apparent "war" against your husband/wife. That doesn't seem to be the best way to go about resolving your differences, does it? Those are most often the strategies for winning, or at least for not losing, a war. These posts are not about war. It's about peace, the way Christ professed it. World peace starts at home, with your marriage. These daily post are truly about DISSOLVING conflict and building a firm foundation for a healthy marriage.

"But at the beginning of creation God `made them male and female` For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife" (Mark 10:6).

This Verse clearly states that your husband/wife comes before your mother/father. Although it was written for men, it does apply to women as well. So, do not say anything bad about your husband/wife to your mother, or to anyone else for that matter.
Don't blame your family and friends for trying to help, though. Practice compassion. You asked for it in the first place, remember? Love them but do not follow their advice. In fact, don't even complain to them. They cannot remedy your situation. Only you can. If you are looking for sound advice, they cannot give it because they are too close to you. They may mean well, but they simply don't know; they learned from their parents and their parents learned from their parents, etc., who also didn't know. It goes down through generations. If you are honest with yourself you will see that by complaining you are just looking to your friends to support your point of view. It is very human to complain to your friends, but unfortunately not very effective. If you want your friends to support you, ask them to support your actions from what The Bible teaches and from these daily posts, even if they do not agree or understand how it works. Ask them to remind you of the above quote. Gossip is deadly, but prayer is healing. Pray for the strength and clarity of mind for yourself and your husband. Pray for peace and practice it. God Bless!

Challenge #5

I sincerely hope each one of you were able to spend at least 15 minutes of alone time with your spouse yesterday! Alone time is so important, yet often neglected due to the busyness of life.

"In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Today's challenge is simple.
No doubt there are many things that our spouses do for us on a regular basis that we take for granted. Today, choose to thank your spouse for something he or she does that you appreciate. Don't assume that your spouse knows they are appreciated. Even if they do, it's always nice to hear it!

Apologies Are Free

This is the first in a series of posts that make up a marriage seminar by our pastor. I will be creating a new page strictly for these posts entitled "Seminar." This will be moved to the Seminar page.

Posted by our Pastor

I realize that not all can attend a marriage seminar so I am giving you the very same thing you would get by attending ours... By all the replies I've received there are some hurting people and hurting marriages. I don't feel like it's fair to make people wait when they need help now. All that I am doing in these daily posts is giving you a simple guide for repairing your marriage, providing that you really want to have a healthy, loving and satisfying marriage, and you are willing to give up some of your old destructive techniques, practices and behaviors. Besides a healthy marriage, you are going to experience spiritual and personal growth, higher self-esteem and a much more satisfying life just by following the simple instructions in these post.

"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32).

Relationships do not survive without kindness and forgiveness. As Christ has forgiven us even though we don't deserve it, we should also forgive others even when they are truly wrong. In the next few posts we are going to address what works and what does not work, specifically in the marriage with your husband and even boyfriend, or fiancé. You will also get some awareness exercises, which may give you insights into your own behavior and practices that you may not have been aware of and which do not serve you or your marriage.

Before you start "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed" (James 5:16 paraphrased). You may not even be in touch with your "ex", or he does not talk to you. If this is your situation the first thing to do is to get back in communication with him so that you can use these posts. The best way to do this is to apologize – in person (it’s the best), by phone, e-mail or mail - for whatever you did wrong. Do not make up reasons or excuses, and say that you have promised to yourself and the world that you will never do it again. This is important: you have to actually MEAN it, believe it and keep your word about it, otherwise no one else will believe you. (Keep in mind that you may have promised things in the past and not kept your promise.)When I say apologize, I do not mean to merely say that you are "sorry." They already know that. Most likely you have said it before. What I do mean is use the word "apologize" instead of "sorry." Apologies do not cost anything. Also, do not apologize with an agenda of getting him back. This will become clearer as we go on. Do not do anything before you finish reading ALL the posts and I will tell you when. But what you can do is start praying that God will prepare you to do the things that will need to be done at that time. I pray and hope that these posts have given you some hope in your marriage. God Bless!

To A New Year & A Fresh Start!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

I pray that God will richly bless you and all those that you love this year and always!
Remember, you don't have to wait til New Years to start fresh, you can do that daily!!

How did it go yesterday? Were you able to make it through the entire day without saying anything negative? If so, give yourself a high five!!! (I high five myself all the time! Not literally of course. Well, sometimes literally...) If you weren't able to complete yesterday's challenge, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you repeat it. This is a challenge worth completing and you would be surprised at what an impact it can have. Often, we don't even realize that we're being negative - our spouses may in fact see us as negative, pessimistic people and we may not even know it!

Onto today's challenge. Though it's already afternoon, so what? We're not going a day without a challenge, God willing! So today, we are going to fit in some alone time with our spouses. If it's 15 minutes, an hour, or the entire day - it doesn't matter. You just have to be alone, just the two of you. You don't have to do anything special. All you have to do is be together.

So put all the kids down for a nap at the same time, make 'em all clean their rooms, or send them off with grandma - whatever you have to do. Do not let this day end without spending some alone time with your spouse. And for those of you who don't have kids and therefore don't have to worry about getting rid of them (don't rub it in lol!) take your challenge a step further and nix all electronics - this includes the tv, computer (see ya!), cell phones, etc. Enjoy this time completely ALONE! :-)